(no subject)

Monday, March 17th, 2014 01:23 pm
verloren1983: (Default)
Ooooor, have another media post because I fail. XD

★ First thing's first- by the way, if you did this on Tumblr or don't have a 3DS, feel free to ignore this. XD I have a new 3DS friend code. (Long story short, I'm an idiot and left my 3DS on a bus and someone else took it, along with the Pokemon game that was in it, so I replaced the system, ungh. Still working on replacing the game. Luckily Nintendo has a promo for a free one, but it's a download and those take FOREVER on public wifi.) If you want to add it, feel free! (2423-3967-2356) I’d like yours also, even if I had it before, because I don’t have it anymore. XD I’ll add you as soon as I can (might be a few days, just as a heads up). <3

★ Persona 4 Arena came in the mail from Gamefly and I've poked at story mode a bit. I'm not sure I would buy it, though? I fucking love Kanji, he's great, but being that I'm an unrepentant button masher when it comes to fighting games, this game is actually really unexpectedly hard. I've barely done anything with it, but I should probably send it back before I forget about it. XD

★ I started listening to Welcome to Night Vale a few weeks ago. It's something easy I can do when I don't feel like staring at my 3DS screen first thing in the morning, because I don't always. It's alright. I'm not fangirling over it or anything, but I suppose it's reasonably entertaining. *shrug* I'm not particularly attached to it one way or the other, really. My favorite parts are when Cecil breaks his radio reporter character and actually shows some of his personality, but that's me. I'm currently two episodes behind, but I'll probably keep listening to it because... well, it's reasonably entertaining.

★ Alright, so I finished the first season of Oofuri. Thoughts for Krim:
-I was nervous after Krim told me that most of the series is one game, but actually? It was fine. Don't ask me to explain why that's okay, but I get irritated if other games last more than two or three episodes. I have absolutely no idea. XD I'm just grateful that I wasn't climbing up the walls.
-Tajima and Izumi are so cute with their freckles! <3 I actually for a while kept mixing them up at bat because of this until I realized that Izumi's are on his cheeks and Tajima's are on his nose. Anyway. They are both adorable, though Tajima is still totally my favorite.
-Luckily, Mihashi is annoying me much less now and my fury has calmed down to an exasperated amusement. Part of this is the realization that he wouldn't be nearly so bad if Abe wasn't screaming at him half the time. I would probably be freaking out too. XD (Abe, stop being a socially inept dick, please.)
-Because I said I'd mention it- the second OP is okay. I'm not in love with it, but I don't hate it, either. *shrug*
-Holy shit, totally shipping Tajima and that redheaded kid from Tousei that was desperately fanboying him (Nakazawa, apparently). So fucking adorable. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S FIC.
-As a side note on shipping, I would also not be adverse to Kanou/Mihashi. :P
-During one particular scene which I won't give away the details of, I know it was supposed to be an emotional kind of thing, but all I could think about was THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. Seriously, I had Tom Hanks in my head the entire time. I don't think that was the intention. Oops. XD
-This may be showing some cultural ignorance on my part, but hey, you don't learn if you don't ask, right? ...does anybody know why the Tousei band kept playing "Yankee Doodle"? Is it a different song over there (like how "God Save the Queen" and "My Country, Tis of Thee" have the same melody but are completely different), or is it just something that's kind of leftover from the US, since baseball originated here? I'm curious and would like to know. :P

★ On Kuroko: Murasakibara, I want to like you because I like your voice actor (Isumi!), but you are SUCH AN ASSHOLE. Gah. >_<

Speaking of, I've been thinking a lot about voices the last several episodes of Kuroko. It's funny how it's gotten to a point where I've seen enough anime that given a character, there's a fairly decent chance that I know at least one other thing that their VA has done. It helps that for Kuroko at least, a lot of the actors have worked together on other things. XD Aomine and Alex are obviously Atobe and Fuji from Prince of Tennis, respectively, and there are several that are in Fairy Tail or Silver Spoon or other things. Generally I'm pretty decent at recognizing voices (though it may take me a bit- I think it was the second episode Alex was in that I realized she was Fuji), but the one surprise, aside from Murasakibara which I already mentioned? Kise. Kise, who is also Hachiken in Silver Spoon, and also Takizawa in Eden of the East. O_O I never in a million years would've guessed. Kise's VA is seriously talented. :D (Although, of course now that I know this, it seems obvious, so maybe I was just being a derp?)


Alright, I have to go deal with club stuff, but I'll hopefully write again, uh, soonish. Maybe a RL update before the end of the semester? It would be nice, right? ^_^;;;;;;;
verloren1983: (Heh (Hikaru No Go))
It's been a while again since I've written, so I figured I'd check in and let those of you who don't follow me in other places know that yes, I'm still alive. See? Alive. :D So what's been happening? A lot of work, a lot of procrastination. I spent the morning sorting out the (admittedly, all over the place) fantasy section of my e-book folder instead of trying to write a story that's due Tuesday. You know, the normal. Oops. XD I also don't have internet at home right now, which complicates matters. This got really ridiculously long, mostly because of the school sections, so I'm just going to section the school stuff off for you guys by cuts. Which I don't normally bother with, but, well... you'll see. XD

☁ In case you're in Hikago fandom and didn't see my spamming, there's a new blind_go mini round out- GO SIGN UP. NOW.

☁ The new Phoenix Wright came out a couple of weeks ago. I feel so behind- I only just barely started case 4. I have Thoughts on it, which are partially good and partially ragey, but I'll hold off on getting too into those until I actually finish the game. So far... it's not that different from the others, concept wise. I can basically boil everything down to a short list of "things I've learned from the Ace Attorney games"
1. Prosecutors get away with EVERYTHING.
2. Don't become friends with a lawyer ever- you'll eventually end up dead or falsely accused of a crime, probably murder.
3. LGBTQ people are ridiculous/offensive/disgusting/only good for comedic relief/figments of your imagination/terrible people/any combination of the above, depending on the particular plot device service they're providing at the time.

☁ Midterms grades were fine- 4.0 for the semester so far. As usual, I just need to keep it there. ajdklsajd.

Wibbling About the Future- Transfer Schools )

Wibbling About the Future- Classes )

Wibbling About the Future- Minors )

Wibbling About the Future- Jobs )

And last but not least... the Salem trip )

31 Day Meme, Day 6

Tuesday, August 6th, 2013 09:28 pm
verloren1983: (Default)
6. Your 5 senses right now
Uh, the same five I always have? This is a dumb question.

As far as non-meme stuff, here we go:
☁ My certificate of residence for school has been acquired. I had to spend more time dealing with my mother than I would've liked in order to accomplish this, but whatever, it's done. Now I can pay my bill for school. The plan is to deal with that tomorrow.

☁ Saw an apartment Saturday. Good location, big room, roommates are not super neat freaks, gay friendly, super cute kitten (who spent most of the time pretending that I was a good climbing tree. Good thing I wore jeans. XD The guy was like, "wow, she really likes you already.") It's at the top of my "I can afford this" range, but I'm not sure I'm going to get much better because rent is freaking ridiculous here. He's still showing the apartment, so we'll see what happens. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what's going on. In the meantime... I should probably make some more phone calls tomorrow too. Ungh. I want to do that about as much as I want a hole in my head. I fucking hate calling people, and of course most of these are like "phone calls only!" YOU GUYS SUCK.

☁ Need to go to old work and talk to Dave about saving boxes for me. Even if I wasn't planning on moving, I would probably still do this, because I'm at a point where I just feel like I'm moving things back and forth to and from the same places in my room, and getting stuff put away in boxes would at least let me put things away neatly in an orderly way instead of haphazardly thrown everywhere.

TL;DR- Family bullshit )

☁ Oh yeah, and did I mention that classes start again on the 26th and I'm both freaked the hell out about it and can't wait to go back? Need to get sleep back in order. It was better and then it wasn't, sooooo. <_< It's not nowhere near as bad as it was at one point, but still not terribly good.

☁ So basically, long story short, I'm super stressed/anxious about EVERYTHING and trying to keep up with my daily cleaning sessions and mostly failing, so. On the upside, it does look considerably better just from what I did today?

☁ I've also been working on a random fic bit I found in my bunny folder. I... don't even know how this happened. But yay writing?

verloren1983: (*Blush*)
Yes, I know, it's been ages. I think most of you have seen me around, so you know I'm still alive, at least. I initially had an excuse with finals, but uh, that was a while ago, so... basically since then it's just been good old fashioned laziness. Yep. ^_^;;;  So let's get this over with, shall we? XD

Long as per usual, but these are for me anyway, so whatever XD )

So we'll see how much of that actually happens by the end of the summer. ^_~ Knowing me... ah, let's get real, I'll be lucky if I can cross anything off my list. But again, we'll see! Now, I'm going to make myself finish this episode of Kuroko (ugh *whine*) and get in the shower and maybe like... do stuff, I dunno. Maybe. My head hurts like fuck, so I might just sleep or something, who knows. XD

(no subject)

Thursday, August 18th, 2011 05:22 am
verloren1983: (Cookies)
☁ Via Lish: A very well written article that explains why throwing out religious platitudes to an Atheist while they're grieving can be offensive to them. Before I get into any of this, I should possibly clarify for some of you, since I don't generally talk about religion- I'm an Atheist. Well. More accurately, I'm an odd Atheist/Agnostic mix, meaning that while I absolutely don't believe in God or Heaven or Hell or any of that, I'm also willing to admit that there's really no way of knowing for sure, one way or another. I'm cool with other religions as long as someone's not trying to convert me or it's not being shoved down my throat. It's not something I make a big deal of because it's not something that affects my life on a daily basis. Anyway. This was so not the point. Onward!

I had a conversation with Lish about this, which I'm not going to totally rehash, but to me it basically boils down to respecting other people's beliefs. A lot of people don't understand Atheism, and for many of these, it's just not on their radar at all. It's a thoughtlessness. They assume, well, it would be comforting to ME, so it must be to THEM. Nevermind that "I'm sorry for your loss" is just as easy to say, and offering whatever assistance you can will mean more. Personally, I'm in the "it doesn't bother me that much" camp, in general, unless they go on about it forever or I hear it a thousand times in ten minutes. I get the meaning behind it, and I appreciate it, even though it doesn't help. Though the whole "god's will" thing is an exception- that IS hurtful and offensive, and I seem to remember walking away from people who have said that to me. The bottom line here: be considerate and respectful of the person grieving. That's all. And isn't that true regardless of who they pray to (or don't pray to)? (*cough* I just totally wrote "prey" instead of "pray". Nice Freudian slip there, Ver. XD)

This is too cute. I don't even like kids, and this made me want to hug him. The parents, too. He's a lucky kid to have such accepting and open-minded parents. That being said, assuming it's not something he ends up growing out of later- knowing you're gay at six? Just. Wow. O_o

☁ I read this book yesterday that is, for some reason I have yet to figure out, bringing a couple of original muses back to the foreground of my mind. I haven't thought about them, or their story, in ages. The book isn't even related to the story in any way, except one character's tendency to overthink things. WTF brain?

I don't know, maybe I should look at it again. I stopped due to a nasty case of writer's block- I got two characters in a particular situation and couldn't figure out how to get them out of it- but maybe if I approach it from a different angle? The other problem was that I found that the more I wrote, the more I -despised- my main character. The different angle I'm thinking of would solve that as well, because it would shift the main focus from the annoying little brat to someone I actually like. The only problem is that originally, the POV shifted between four different main-ish characters, with the one I call the main as the hub basically. Changing this causes a whole bunch of other issues as far as things being shown. I guess I'll have to try and figure it out at some point.

☁ I read a lot of m/m fiction. (I know that comes as a shock to you all.) It's a genre that's very hit or miss, from my experience. I've read some wonderful things. I've also read things that never should've seen the light of day. Quality of writing is all over the place- not just with things like characters, but with basics like GRAMMAR and PUNCTUATION. I swear to god, some of these editors need to be fired. Anyway. While, obviously, mistakes happen regardless of genre (nobody's perfect), I've NEVER seen this kind of lack of editing or grasp of the basics in ANY other genre.

This does have a point, I swear. I wrote a review on Goodreads of a book recently- the novel was fabulous, by the way, and I said as much- where I mentioned that my expectations had not been terribly high, due to previous experience. Another reader asked me why, and after I explained, she pretty much jumped all over me. Uh... OBVIOUSLY the quality of the book is going to depend on the quality of editing and the ability of the author, regardless of genre. I know that, I'm not a moron. It just seems that there are lesser quality editors at m/m publishers. Or, also possible, is that certain m/m publishers put quantity over quality. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE MY OPINION, LEAVE ME ALONE, WOMAN! The best part? She hasn't even read the book in question. So now, according to her, she's going to have to read it because I held up up as an example of good writing. Great. Now if she doesn't like it (And there's a good chance she won't. Looking at the handful of books we have in common, we have VERY different tastes.), then she's going to be up my ass about how I don't know what I'm talking about or whatever. Wonderful. Why do people have to pick fights over stupid shit?
verloren1983: (Heh (Hikaru No Go))
☁ LJ: You suck. Just saying. FB seems to be having issues as well. The latter I don't care so much about, but LJ being down for two days is a giant pain in the ass. Grrr.

☁ My hands have been a bit dry the last week or so, which isn't normal for me. I think it's the heat, which finally broke, but it's been SO terribly hot here- pushing 100 (that's 37.8 for you celcius using folks). I know that's not that much for this time of year in some places, but in upstate NY, that's INSANELY HOT. The heat's supposed to come back later this week though, yaaaaaay. -_- At any rate, I grabbed a little tube of cocoa butter, so hopefully that will help. And hopefully I can ignore the fact that the smell of the stuff reminds me of a bad summer job I had right after high school. Whoops.

☁ I seem to have lost my keys. I have my spare set, so it's not like I'm locked out of anything, but it's still not good. When I came home from work yesterday I realized I didn't have them, but I can't find them at work, either. I hope I didn't drop them somewhere, but that's looking more and more likely. UGH. >_<

☁ For anybody that didn't hear, Borders is closing ALL of their stores now. I can't say that it's a surprise at this point, but it DOES suck. I mean... that's half the reason to go to the mall by me- and it's the only bookstore there. So much for my entertainment while Kelly spends ages in Victoria Secret. Boo. On that note, though, I should probably try to get over there tomorrow (*cough* later today *cough*) to see what they have left as far as clearance stuff... may be able to score some deals. If not, well, at least I tried. Might check out jewelry because I'm CONSTANTLY losing earrings or having them fall apart on me. There's also a new store that had some really cool looking dreamcatchers. The only potential problem there is. Um. Reaching them. Because I'm a midget. <_< And I hate hate HATE asking for help for things like that. Meh. We'll see.

☁ Had a song ping me, so I'm writing a little bit again. It sucks, but it's something. Also I finished making up the rest of the 101 in 1001 list that starts on the 30th. Hopefully this time I'll do more of the list. ^_^;;;

Weight related, cut for those not interested. XD )

☁ Suikoden:
Short this time, I've still been procrastinating finishing it. )

(no subject)

Friday, July 15th, 2011 01:06 am
verloren1983: (Chi)
☁ When I was in 8th grade, we did a video of our year for our English class. My friends and I did a lot of the work for it, because we were geeks like that. :P Anyway, there was drama surrounding that which I'm not getting into right now; the point is that very few people got a copy of that tape. Seven including myself, if I remember correctly. I found the tape again recently, so I decided I would get it put on a DVD. That way I could have it, put it on my computer, do... something with the VHS (I'm not sure what though, it feels wrong to destroy it. :/) It came back Monday. I'd hoped that the quality would be better, but the fact is that we are talking about a 15 year old VHS here. Realistically speaking, it's as good as I could've hoped for... though holy cow, there's a lot of typos. Extra cool is that apparently they have a thing going on at the moment where they send you a free extra DVD. Didn't actually need it, but hey, I gave it to Stef. ^_^

There was also a video I did before I moved the first time, of the apartment I grew up in and at school and stuff. Too long in places, but overall amusing, at least to me. Probably boring as hell to most people. Totally worth it. :D

☁ The home video did make me realize something, though- why the hell was I not ever tested for ADD as a kid? Seriously. I always thought it was an adult onset thing, and when I told my mom the theory, she said that I was always like this, the being easily distracted by shiny and not able to keep my attention on anything for long (books seem to be the singular exception- even then, I will often be reading two or three books at once, and have been for as long as I can remember). I didn't actually believe her until I started watching the video, and 16 year old Ver kept getting distracted by EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Holy crap. It'll be fine and then all of a sudden... "Light!" or "Kitty!" or what have you. And if someone else is in the room, forget about it. >_<

Then again, I still haven't been tested, I just operate under the assumption that I'm ADD. (Apparently ADHD-PI, actually. Of DSM-IV's list, where six "symptoms" are required for a diagnosis, I have eight. Seriously, the wiki page explains so much about my life, except for the trouble in school part. I managed to escape that bit because I worked really hard to get that positive attention. Middle child syndrome. XD) I can't be bothered to do anything about it, though. It's annoying, but it doesn't have a HUGE negative effect on my daily life, so I've never felt like it was worth making a big deal about to a doctor or anything.

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity, assuming it's not some sort of elaborate scam. The biggest things are that one, I would need to be able to take three and a half months off. Yeah, not happening. Two, it's 11 days over the stay allowed without a visa. So I would need a Japanese visa. By September. I don't even know if that's possible. It's a nice idea though, and I would love to do it, but guh.

☁ I'm not much for singing shows, but I did see some of the auditions for The Voice, though I didn't watch it after that. I found out recently that it was over, so of course I looked up who won- turns out it was my favorite! Yay! Seriously, I could listen to his audition all day. Incredible voice. Funny thing about it is that the studio recorded version isn't as good. Go figure.

Sadly, my other favorite apparently didn't make it into the top 8. Boo. Too bad, he has a great rock voice (even though he was singing a country song).

☁ More Suikoden II reactions, in no particular order!
There ARE spoilers in this one, so uh. If you don't want to be spoiled, don't look under the cut. :D )
verloren1983: (Cookies)
(Before we start, I'd like to say that I'm sick and on cold medicine, so if there's anything that doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance. I'm trying to make a serious post here, but I'm not sure how well it's going to work out.)

Edit: Apologies. DW doesn't seem to want to cut this properly, either. *kicks it* I know this is long, and I would cut it if I could. I'm not trying to be obnoxious. Please don't kill me. XD


So I was talking to a coworker the other day about the hair thing- mainly, how my mother and younger sister react to it. It's something I've been thinking about since, and figured it might make an interesting discussion topic.

First, the explanation for myself. I keep my hair cut very short. It's not meant as a statement, though I'm aware that it DOES make one. That's not the intention. I cut my hair this way because I like it this way, plain and simple. I don't see why I should let stupid things like rigid views of femininity or what other people think decide anything about myself. In the same spirit, I often wear men's cologne as well... the ones I like, of course. I'm not about to do something like that just to be contrary. I enjoy that aspect of it, yes. But it's not a contributing factor in those kinds of decisions. I like my hair short. The fact that it pretty much screams DYKE in ten different languages is just a fun bonus. Maybe I would feel differently if I wasn't a lesbian, or if I wasn't bordering on genderqueer. Maybe I would care more about how society looks at me if I was a straight, cis female. But I'm not, so I can't say for sure on either count.

That being said, reactions to my short hair have been overwhelmingly positive ever since I first cut it. I've had many women tell me that they wish they had the guts to do it. Which baffles me, really. How is it particularly brave when it's just hair? I'm not doing anything permanent to myself. If I don't like it, it'll grow back. Seriously, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. But I've never had any emotional attachment to my hair, either, and a lot of women do. Plus it goes back to not wanting to defy social norms, I guess. Regardless, I have it on good authority that it's a look that suits me. I get that it looks "cute" a lot, which honestly makes me cringe so hard on the inside. Perfect example: today I had an older woman tell me, "I wish I could cut my hair that short, but I would look like an old man. ...It looks cute on you, though!" *twitchtwitch* I try my hardest to ignore those comments and just take in that I can pull it off.

Yet every time I get it cut- especially this last time when it got REALLY short- my mother and younger sister declare that they hate it, that it doesn't look good on me, what have you. My mother even went so far as to say to me, "Why did you let them do that to your hair?" as if a weed whacker had been taken to it. Um, I told her to? Kelly, too, regularly asks me when I'm going back to long hair. I won't say never, because I honestly don't know, but it's not going to be at any point in the forseeable future, that's for sure.

So I got to thinking about WHY they're so threatened by this look. Seriously, I think that's what it is. What other explanation could there be for them clinging so tightly to the idea that short hair is terrible? I think there's some disconnect there between who they think I am and who I actually am. I have never been a girly-girl type. Ever. Yes, I had long hair for a long time- too long, really. But I was overly hung up on what everyone else would think if I cut it the way I wanted it. Plus it was ordinary. It let me hide and not bring attention to myself. It wasn't a reflection of my personality or who I was. It's closer to that now, I think. Regardless of what people might say, I think most of us think of women with short hair as less feminine, even if we don't necessarily see it as that. I have to wonder if it's maybe hardwired in our brains or something, because it's just kind of automatic. I know personally, I first wonder if they're gay (but that also may be just because as a gay person, I'm auto-looking for someone like myself). I also tend to think of short haired girls as lower maintenance and more down to earth than girls with long hair. I think maybe part of that too is my own personal experience- I have yet to see a woman with short hair that also had pounds of makeup on and dressed up and everything. So I tend to see them as... less like these high maintenance plasticky creatures and more like someone I could actually relate to. And me myself being sort of androgynous, I guess I see them that way too. If that makes any sense. Of course, I'm not saying that all girls with long hair are high maintenance or anything ridiculous like that. I'm just saying that it really does change the impression you give off, whether it's something you want or not.

The bottom line is, the hair clearly says "I'm gay. Have a problem with that? Too bad." And my family, clearly, has a problem with that. I think they can't deal. And since they can't pick at my sexuality because I'm not officially out to most of my family (gee, I wonder WHY), they pick at my hair instead. Which is pointless, because I just roll my eyes and do what I want anyway. They know this about me. So then why keep harping on about it if there's no ulterior motive? Don't misunderstand me, I don't think it's intentional, at least for the most part. It's probably largely a subconscious thing. However, that doesn't make it okay. They want me to be someone I'm not, someone I've never been. Growing my hair out again isn't going to suddenly make me straight anymore than cutting it made me queer in the first place. They need to deal with that. At the very least, they want me to hide myself better, because they're not comfortable with me being open and out there with it. They would rather at least try to pretend. The way it stands now... yes, I'm obvious. I'm done hiding. I'm never going to be exactly what the world thinks a woman is "supposed" to be. But you know what? Most women don't live up to that standard, including my mother and my sister. I guess I'm far enough away from it that it makes some people uncomfortable. That's fine, it's their problem, not mine. I'm not going to change how I look just because some people are dicks. It's really just an annoyance at this point... but it does make for an interesting social experiment. When I was downtown last week, I was in jeans and my cloud/rainbow scarf t-shirt, plus the super-short hair. At times, yes, it felt like people were staring and I got a bit self conscious about that. As I passed this one group of men, they started calling things out at me, though I'm not sure what they were because I had music blasting in my ears. I probably didn't want to know anyway. Yeah, at times it felt a bit as if I were on display. As I said, though, it's interesting to see how people react to you in those kinds of situations. So would I do it again? Probably.

So what I'm curious to find out from you guys is, what do you think of all this? What do you think when you see a younger woman with short hair? (I'm not counting older women, because from my experience, it's a lot more common for 50+ ladies to chop their hair off. It's much, much rarer for women under 50.) How do you see femininity, masculinity, society's views on both? How do you feel you fit into the gender spectrum (if at all)? Do you think you get treated differently because of how you present? I realize my flist consists of mostly cis-gendered straight-ish women, so responses to the last couple aren't likely to be varied. I figure it's still worth a shot. Could be fun.
verloren1983: (Aww Crap)
 ☁ Still exhausted. I woke up the other day with a sore throat and stuffy nose. Yaaaaaaay. Hopefully it'll go away like colds seem to be going away for me lately- I've had quite a few "false starts" this season where I thought I was getting sick but then didn't. So far the hoping doesn't seem to be working, since I'm still all stuffy and miserable, but. *crosses fingers and toes*
 
☁ A little late to say this, but feel free to ignore previous post. Still feel that way, but I'm feeling a bit more sane about it, I guess? That kind of stuff isn't something I usually inflict on you guys. I'm blaming hormones and lack of sleep for that one. Especially since I really have no idea what's going on hormone-wise. My body did the girl thing for a day and then stopped, no lie. I don't know either. :/
 
☁ On a related tangent to the previous post... Erin has been joking around about me moving down with her for a while now. (Actually, SINCE she moved down there.) At this rate, it's going to become a serious conversation at some point. I know I would -HATE- it in the summer- New York is too hot for me, I don't even want to think about Texas. But it would still be a step above where I am, and I could hopefully find a job and save up some so that I can move somewhere that I would actually WANT to be. Because even if I did move to Texas, I can't see that being someplace that I'd want to live long-term. You know?
 
☁ Lappy has been restarting on its own more and more. I knew it was some kind of overheating problem, but I wasn't really sure why- most of the time, I sit with lappy sitting on the arm of the couch with the fan hanging over air- nothing obstructing the fan at all. After yet another restart, I hit google... I couldn't do quite what it said simply because apparently Toshiba has to be difficult and made it so that you have to take the whole damn laptop apart to get to the fan, but I did blow out the fan as well as I could through the vents with compressed air. It hasn't restarted since I've done it. Also lappy sounds SO much better, so clearly it needed to be done. Seriously. *hugs him*
 
So. Compressed air: not just for keyboards. Good to know.
 
☁ On that note, one more point for Chrome- when lappy does the suddenly restarting thing, Chrome DOES NOT LOSE ALL MY GOD DAMN TABS. Whereas Firefox, more often than not, does. (And yes, I have it set up to save them. Doesn't work if the laptop turns itself off in self defense.)
 
☁ In other news, I've more or less talked a co-worker into going to Pride with me. :3 There will be much fun and drinking. I would've gone anyway even if I'd been by alone, but it would've been a little awkward and I would've felt a little loser-y being there my myself. So yay. And she's bi/pan, so no awkwardness with the gay thing. Should be fun! :D

☁ There are potential plans in the works for a family meetup this fall... with Kelly and I going to see Erin, and then my father will supposedly come as well. I. Ugh. I'm supposed to be giving the idea a shot, but honestly? I don't WANT to. Maybe I'm being a bit of a child about this. I'm willing to accept that. Aside from not wanting to see him, this is my VACATION we're talking about. We are talking about me not being able to relax the entire week because he's there- during the time when I'm supposed to be able to relax and have fun and not have to worry about anything. I understand that it'll be easier if it's the three of us together. I really do get that. But it doesn't change the fact that I told Kelly I didn't want to have anything to do with this, and I told her that for a REASON. That reason being that I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS. Point blank. I don't know, maybe I'm being too selfish here. Am I being too selfish here?
verloren1983: (Kitty Ahhhh!)
☁ I was asked to post these, so to my absolute mortification, here you go. These icons are totally Lish's fault. Just... don't even ask. Seriously. Though I need to mess around more with the first one because I still don't like it.

       

☁ Been re-reading some old Harry/Draco fic. Hell, I missed these two. <3 It's totally not helping me write [info]blind_go , though. Pffft. I've also been DL-ing a lot of PoT doujin lately. XDDD

☁ Also fandom related: people have been posting to the kink meme, which is hysterical since it's three years old. I generally still get posts on it every once in a while, but the sudden interest is amusing. :P

☁ And speaking of Harry Potter, couple of annoyances about the new release of Deathly Hallows Part 1. The first is that Walmart had an exclusive on the special edition DVD. Really, WB? I know the studios are trying to push the Bluray, but honestly. I don't have a Bluray player. I have no intention of purchasing one- if I'm going to spend the money, I might as well save a bit more and buy a PS3 so I can play games on the damn thing. STOP TRYING TO SHOVE THE FUCKING BLURAY DOWN MY THROAT.

*ahem*

The other thing that pissed me off was actually in the deleted scenes. Now... when I saw DH1 in the theater, I was incredibly disappointed that it didn't have the scene with Harry and Dudley when the Dursley's were leaving. It was a big moment for the both of them. But guess what? It was in the special features. What the ever loving hell. I think it's WORSE, knowing that they filmed it and decided that it WASN'T IMPORTANT, as opposed to not shooting it (there could've been a number of reasons why they didn't end up shooting it, after all). Seriously. What the fuck, WB.

☁ WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH RANDOM PEOPLE INSTANT MESSAGING ME LATELY? It's getting ridiculous.

☁ Dear Mother Nature: We had about 50 thousand feet of snow this winter- I promise you, the ground doesn't need anymore water for a while. Possibly the entire summer. You don't need to rain all freaking week. No love, Ver

☁ Class started today. So as part of my first assignment, I'm supposed to be reading at least one book about writing and/or creativity. I have a bunch on my laptop that I have yet to read (in addition to one or two physical ones whose whereabouts are currently unknown), so I decided to look through. Just on the lappy, I have enough that I could read two books a week for almost the entire length of the course. O_o And only three of the 20 are grammar centered. *headdesk* Although on the other hand, it's as good of an excuse as any to get some of those under my belt?

The other part of the assignment is to get a "writer's journal", which isn't a problem because I have a zillion empty notebooks. Unofficial assignments through the course include writing for 10 minutes a day NO MATTER WHAT and to spend at least an hour a week doing something creative besides writing (I'm thinking scrapbooking/playing in photoshop. :D)

Possibly triggery/TMI, who knows. Cut just in case. )
verloren1983: (My Own Little World)
1. So I finally got around to actually sitting down and reading The Lovely Bones, which I've been meaning to do for MONTHS. Even with continually stopping to do something else distracting, it was a quick read. Verdict? Beautifully written, but depressing as hell. When I first saw the movie, I thought that they spent waaay too much time focused on the heaven bit and not enough on the living people bit. The book only reinforces that opinion, really. Heaven, death, is not the point. Life is the point. Horrible things happen, but life continues. Maybe not the way it was before, but it does, it has to for those of us that are left behind. What other choice do we have?

...now, of course, I need to decide what to read next in my pile of "been meaning to read" books. Hmm.

2. FMA manga is done. I... can live with the ending. I don't want to say much more to avoid potentially spoiling people, but... yeah. Roy's ending is a little too neat, though. I think that would be my sole complaint about how things worked out.

3. Speaking of manga, RAWR, where is the Hourou Musuko update? *pokes the mangaka with a stick*

4. Thinking about picking up SW again... though I don't know if it would be with Al. Probably. I miss playing him. Not that I was ever that active, heh. Character squatting FTW? On the upside, it would be a chance to create a not-sucky username for him. The only problem there is that I suck at coming up with clever usernames. Pfft. Also I'm not sure how re-apping would work. *groan* I hate writing apps.

5. Haven't been wearing my claddagh ring recently... it's weird. I have my reasons for it (mostly, I'm just not sure how to wear it at the moment), but it's just... I've been wearing the damn thing so long now that I feel a little naked without it. Problem there is that I don't own any other rings to replace it. Damn my fat fingers. XD

6. Possible TMI territory, but eh. Don't like bra-talk, don't read any further. :P

The band on my bras have been seeming loose, so I borrowed a tape measure and did some measuring. The Good News: My band size IS smaller- I've gone from a 42 to a 38. \o/ The Bad News: My cup size has only gone down an inch... so not nearly enough in comparison to my band size. There's a 10 inch difference between the cup and the band now instead of 7. Which means that I'm not even ON Lane Bryant's chart anymore. The highest they go is 9, which is an H. SOB.

Really, that just means that I need to go get measured properly... at some point. My old bras are still fitting more or less okay, so I'm not terribly worried about it at the moment. But GUH. This is the biggest thing I was afraid of with the losing weight thing, and now it's HAPPENING. If I end up with freakish measurements, I'm NOT going to be a happy camper. You hear that, body? CUT IT OUT. >|


Okay, I have to go get laundry out of the dryer and whatnot, so I'll shut up and stop spamming everyone about stupid stuff. For now. ^^;;;
verloren1983: (Biology)
1. A bit over halfway through and Nabari no Ou finally, FINALLY really has my attention.Took them long enough. I damn near dropped it more than once. But the thing that kept me watching, and has now intrigued me even more so that I will keep watching? Aizawa. And woooooooow, you don't even need the slash goggles to see the Yoite/Miharu. Holy crap.

2. I hate being female, and that's really all I have to say about that. I've been in pain all day even with medication and a heating pad, and am therefore not exactly in the best of moods. -_-

3. Haven't been writing too much on LJ recently, even though I probably should. I just... haven't felt like I've had much to say, and I'm not really sure why. I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I don't know what's causing it, but it needs to stop. Like, now.

...actually, that's a lie. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. A combination of hormones (since I was late, again, though at least this time it was only a couple of weeks. Still. It's definitely enough to mess with things) and another factor I don't really feel like discussing at the moment. It's probably just me being weird and hopefully it'll pass soon.

4. For something good? A supervisor I can't stand is most likely being transferred to another store. \o\ \o/ /o/ THANK FUCKING GOD.

I hate to end this on this note, but it's 6am and I really need to go to bed. I've been staying up waaaaaay too late the last few days. *sigh*

Bitchbitchbitch

Thursday, February 5th, 2009 02:06 am
verloren1983: (Go Fuck Yourself)
Some squee, but mostly bitching. Read at your own risk. )

*EDIT* Actually, apparently one good thing came out of Kelly doing some cleaning... she found my other winter glove while going through her stuff, the one I've been looking for since November or so! So I have gloves again! *cheers*

(no subject)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008 03:30 am
verloren1983: (Choice)
1. Gah, I did NOT just volunteer to help mod [profile] hng_prompts  a little while ago. *headdesks* On one hand... dude, I don't know what's going on with the money situation at the moment... as in, I don't know if we'll have to drop the internet for a month or two. Plus I'm incredibly absentminded. I'll forget about this in a week, probably. XD On the other hand... it sounds like fun. ^_^

2. So I watched The Last Lecture video. Finally, really, because both my mom and Kelly have been bugging me about it for the longest time. I hadn't because my knee jerk reaction to the bugging was to dig my heels in and NOT do it, but Ai linked it, so I was like, what the hell. And wow. The thing that really strikes me about the lecture- and probably the only thing I'm going to remember clearly by tomorrow- is one thing that he kept repeating variations of. "The walls are there to keep the OTHER people out- the ones who don't want it badly enough." Which, of course, gets me thinking about the walls in my own life that I haven't figured out a way around... probably the biggest one being school. I think the expression "between a rock and a hard place" qualifies for the whole school thing for me. Money, of course is a primary issue, with other minor ones in play as well. But in the end it's just an excuse, isn't it, because I haven't really TRIED since I was a senior in high school and had the rug pulled out from under me. So... I guess the real question is... as much as I say I want to go to school, do I really want it badly enough to scale the brick wall? I think the biggest problem is that while I want it, I'm terrified of failing at it. Because if I fail, then what? (Not to mention, what the hell does one do with a BA in English? XDDD) Seriously, though, aside from money... fear is the biggest factor in why I haven't managed to get to school yet. I have... always had an enormous fear of failure for as far back as I can remember. Hell, it's a driving force in my life. Fear. And it shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't let it be that way. But i don't know how to stop doing it, either, so I just keep spiraling..........

One day, I will get over myself and go to school, because I owe it to myself. I deserve better than what I'm doing now. I just... need to get my head out of my ass, basically. XD

3. In other, less self reflective news, I got some cleaning done today. Woot. Didn't quite make it to the post office today, but I have every intention of going before work. ^_^;;; Also mom came home, and I was about ready to strangle her within ten minutes. You know, par for the course, really. I'm SO glad I have to work tomorrow. XDDD

4. It's... ah... really too late to do much of anything now (whoops), but for my own reference, my list of things to do tomorrow:
-GO TO THE POST OFFICE!!!! D:
-Finish spamming updating the writing journal
-Start putting fic on the website (Er, yes, I completely forgot about the site. Predictable, I know. XD)
-Laundry
-Cleaning~
-Write (anything)
-[community profile] fifthmus
-Whatever else I feel like ^_^
verloren1983: (Cry)
work rant )

Kelly finished Kingdom Hearts... I’m so pissed. My almost non-gamer sister, who has previously only ever finished Harry Potter games (and that was about the hardest she’s ever played, to add insult to injury)(let me clarify that... I like the Harry Potter games, I do. But they’re far from challenging for a real gamer and pure entertainment as far as I’m concerned.), finished a game before I did. I guess to a certain extent I shouldn’t be mad. I haven’t worked on it in about a month, and I’ve been working on three or four other games in the meantime. It shouldn’t really piss me off... but it does.

I just realized something... I was listening to "Because of You" for about the billionth time, and when it got to the part of "Because of you I am afraid"... I kind of involuntarily thought "of getting hurt again", but then a voice in the back of my head piped up, "of being like you". I was thinking of my dad when I was listening to that part of the song, so... alright, I'm rambling. My point is that I realized that part of what's keeping me from getting in a relationship is that I'm afraid of becoming my father. I'm afraid of just getting up one day and walking out on my partner, no explanation, no regard for any children that may be involved, nothing. Of becoming this heartless bastard that doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything but (her)self. Of course, now that I've said that it sounds completely irrational. I mean... it's not like I wouldn't have a choice in the matter, you know? And just because I share some traits with him that doesn't mean that I have to end up like him, or do what he did. I'm not condemned to his fate just because I'm his child. At least that's what I keep telling myself. There's a part of me that remains to be convinced that there's not some emotional bomb somewhere in my brain waiting for the right time to explode, that I'm not dangerous to be in a relationship with because of that. The truth is, I am seriously fucked up in some seriously important ways when it comes to dealing with people... especially ones I care about. We all have emotional baggage, I know that, but... this just reaffirms my belief that I have to be extremely careful of who I allow into my world, of who I allow myself to care about... and that I should never, ever be in a relationship (even if there ever is a chance for that, which I seriously doubt).
verloren1983: (Secret)
I have a headache and I have absolutely no idea why I'm still staring at the computer screen after three hours... god. There are just so many things that I feel like I need to write but can't seem to bring myself to do it... I'm just so fucking LOST, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore besides crawling under my bed and allowing myself to die.

As a complete change of subject: Keegan, who usually only works 7-1 so I never ever see her, has worked the last two days on the evening shift. And I have to say I'm glad that she's going back to working her normal days again. Not because I don't like her or anything... actually, that's kind of the problem. I think I really could LIKE her if I spent some more time with her. She's cute and funny and smart... jesus. And also straight, engaged, and has a ten year old son. (Which means she's older than she looks... I know she's at least 30, but she looks my age. Maybe even a little younger. Scary.)

And another change in subject: I splurged tonight and purchased three movies- A Beautiful Mind, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason(I wasn't really paying attention and I thought it was the first one... the second one is good too, though, so it's okay), and The Brother's Grimm. It wasn't till I got home that I realized that there was a definite "B" theme going on... wonder what that means.

I really need to go and put this headache to bed, so I'm going to leave you with a quote from the diary sic transit gloria mundi, which reads: "There isn't always time, which is a stupid thing to say since I seem to spend an awful lot of time just sitting here not doing anything, but the thing about not doing anything is that you don't always realise that's what's going on, when you're doing it. It usually feels like waiting for something, only after a while you realise you actually aren't, or else forgot what you were waiting for."
verloren1983: (Harry/Draco)
Waiting... why is it that it feels like I'm always fucking waiting for something? Anything? Everything? Right now it's a cd I'm burning and the clothes in the washer, in general it's for my life to kick into gear... but it's always SOMETHING. Why is that?

I just now noticed that there's a little line on top of the entry box that says "Autosaved draft at..." and then updates itself every ten seconds. Is that new, or am I really that oblivious to have never noticed that before?

Found yet another good Harry/Draco fic today (well, good so far, anyway)... I've really got to stop this. The pairing is really starting to become an obsession, and... JKR is never going to make it happen except for maybe in an alternate universe, and I'll just be disappointed when Harry and Ginny get married and have a gazillion babies, even though I knew it was coming. Kinda like how I was pissed that Lupin is with Tonks even though I was convinced that he and Sirius were together all through the fifth book (maybe the fourth too, who knows). *Kicks self* Maybe I should just get back into my little Suikoden Tir/Gremio thing and just forget about the other. Maybe. It'd be a lot easier if Harry and Draco weren't so fucking perfect together. Grrr. *Kicks self again*

My CD is finally done, so maybe I'll go read or something. I still have another hour and ten minutes roughly for my clothes, so yeah... should go do something.

Whaddya know...

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 04:06 am
verloren1983: (Hiding)
I got the Fall Out Boy tickets in the mail today. Wheee! (And there goes my completely irrational paranoia about not getting them in time).

The other day I was talking with this girl I work with, Desiree, about children, when I finally realized something for the first time: It doesn’t really matter that I don’t want kids, because I can’t have them. Ever. Well, no, I shouldn’t say that because TECHNICALLY, I could. Let me specify that in the statement that it will be a physical impossibility for me to conceive a child with my (future) partner. Sure, we could use a sperm donor or we could adopt- but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I knew all of this before, of course, but I guess the implications never really hit me until now- after all, I’ve never wanted to have children. It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve changed “I’m never having kids” to “I don’t want children, but there’s a slight chance that could change in the future”. Probably because it’s been in the last couple of years that the pangs started (otherwise known as a woman’s biological clock going “uh, yeah, you know you only have a limited amount of time to do this, right?”). I think most women know what I’m talking about to some degree or other (and most of them to a much higher level than mine), but let me explain it for the men. It’s when you see a particularly cute baby, or you’re holding a friend’s or relative’s baby and they’re playing with your fingers and giggling, just smiling, or something equally adorable- that even women who strongly dislike children will think “Well, maybe having a kid wouldn’t be so bad.” This is where a woman who likes kids would go “OH MY GOD I WANT ONE!” They generally don’t last long (about as long as it takes the thought to cross your mind), but they’re intense little fuckers. Not that I would admit to actually having these pangs to anyone I know, of course, but they’re there. And that, more than anything, is why this whole thing depresses me so much. When you think of having children, you think of you and your partner having a child. Together. That kid is the combination of the two of you. Just the thought of… having a kid but it’s not mine, or not hers, or not ours anyway because we adopted… it’s fucking depressing. This is nature’s ultimate joke, I guess: “Not only will you be a social pariah and be denied rights that 90% of the population gets just for being born, you will be unable to reproduce with your partner. Ha!” Because apparently nature thinks this is immensely funny, and we all know that Biology loves to fuck with our minds to begin with. I guess… you don’t realize that maybe some part of you DID want something, until you find out that you can never have it. As cliché as that is.


In the past week I’ve gone from being reluctantly interested in the Harry/Draco ship to being completely fucking obsessed with it, despite the fact that a large part of my brain is still fighting it. Figure that one out. Anyway, I put all the blame on pir8fancier for bringing the interest into an obsession. Too good of a writer, dammit.

I still feel like crap, which probably has a great deal to do with the fact that I haven’t really been eating. I always turn semi-anorexic during my period out of practicality- why eat when it’s going to make my stomach declare war over a sandwich? During this time I usually eat something small about once a day, and I’m usually sorry for it later, but hey… you’ve gotta eat. The good news is that I usually lose about five pounds during this whole ordeal- bad news is that I gain it back almost instantly once I actually start eating again. Bah. Well, it makes me feel a little better about my weight for a whole five minutes.

Funniest thing yesterday: Paul and I were looking through some of the old sample greeting cards/borders, and we came across the picture of Shawn (kid that worked there like two years ago, sixteen, cute, I'm not sure if he knew that he was gay yet but he definitely is)- Paul was like, "Who is THAT and why does he not work here anymore?" He he. I spent the next five minutes trying to convince him that Shawn was too young for him anyway... don't think it worked. Paul seems to have a thing for the just-barely-legals. Okay, well, it was funny at the time.
verloren1983: (Harry/Draco)

I should be doing laundry right now, as I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow (today, for the rest of the world)... but ah, fuck it. I'll make some sort of attempt at getting up at a halfway decent hour in the morning. ...Yeah, right. Oh, as if anybody but me cares, I decided to go ahead and get a paid account- only for two months, though, so that way if I don’t like it… I’ve only wasted five bucks, you know? Although I did waste a considerable amount of time today fucking around with my color scheme and whatnot, since every time I played with it I either didn't like the design or the colors hurt my eyes or SOMETHING. So finally we have something that all parts of my brain can agree on. Yay.

I think my brain is conspiring against me. Or maybe just Harry Potter slash writers. Why, oh why do all the good slash writers have to be Harry/Draco? (okay, not all, just most of them) I'm really starting to like the pairing despite myself, and I really, really hate that. On that note: I found some absoutely delicious H/D stuff written by one [livejournal.com profile] pir8fancier , so if you're into that or at least open to it, go check it out. Gorgeous. Particularly "Let's Just Pretend the War Is Over", which is sad and hysterical and just beautifully written.

I was just listening to “Somebody’s Watching Over Me” by Hilary Duff (shut up, it’s a good song) and had a horrific thought: If our loved ones who have passed are, in fact, keeping an eye on us… that’s a scary idea. I mean… what my grandmother must think of me! What she must think of my virtual standstill, being too afraid to do anything and doing absolutely nothing with my life. And the thing that really gets me about this is that my grandmother was and still is one of the few people that I’m terrified of disappointing. I’m almost in tears just thinking about this, because honestly, she must be SO disappointed in everything I’m doing and everything I’ve become. It’s funny that I’ve listened to the song how many times before, and that never even occurred to me until just now. I need to go… do something. Anything.

(It's completely horrible that I just started three paragraphs in a row with the word "I", and it's completely against The Writer's Guide To Good Writing and All That Shit, but I'm too lazy to fix it. So there.)

Thoughts

Sunday, January 29th, 2006 02:26 am
verloren1983: (Secret)
“We tend not to change- or get out of life’s potholes- until we hurt intensely enough.”

I know perfectly well that the things I hate most about myself are things that are changeable. Well, the three main ones, anyway. Yet… I choose not to do anything about them. Why is that? Apparently being reminded of these things every single day of my miserable life isn’t enough to prod me into taking action, so what IS going to? Why do we, as humans, procrastinate until the very last second to do things that we need to do for our own well being? Honestly… is that rut we’ve dug up for ourselves really that comfortable? I guess so. I guess some of us are just so terrified of change- even change that’s good for us- that we dig our nails into the dirt around us, unwilling to let go just at the mere mention of moving somewhere else. Some of us have a comfy little cot set up in that rut and are wary of leaving this set-up that could leave us considerably worse off. Some of us… are simply too lazy to do anything else. The big question is: which is it for you, and what’s going to make you get up off your ass and do something about your life?

My answer for this, personally, is that I don’t have a fucking clue. As far as reasons- the first two are definitely me. Fear of change and an unwillingness to leave a place I’m used to (not necessarily comfortable in, but used to) in exchange for the very scary unknown. Yep. That’s me in a nutshell. But I don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s going to force me off my fat ass, so to speak. Alright, so going back to the three most hated things about myself and how I can/need to change them.
1. My weight. First and foremost. I try to act like this doesn’t bother me, but it does. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself anymore. The solution to this is… rather obvious. Eat better (I don’t really eat that much, so the amount isn’t an issue for me. But 99% of what I do eat is processed meat, cheese, white bread, and so on.) and exercise. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to put in the effort to do either of these things for very long. About twice a year I’ll get into a “let’s get healthy” kick, and it’ll last all of two or three days before I decide it’s too much of a pain in the ass and give up on it. But hell, if my mom can lose all the weight she has, I definitely can. If I can motivate myself to do it.
2. School/CVS/Living at home. These are tied together in my mind, because my brain makes the connection that going to college equals leaving CVS, and going to college also means that I will no longer be living with my mother. A win-win situation all around. It’s not so much the leaving CVS part I’m having issues with, or the leaving my Mom’s house thing, it’s the school part. Not that I don’t like school. I’m just terrified beyond terrified of failing. The twisted thing about me is, I’d rather not go at all than to go there and fail. I’d rather die than fail, actually. Failing would prove my worst fears about myself to be true, and that’s just… so frightening I can’t even tell you.
3. My tooth. This is merely cosmetic- I’ve had a chip in one of my front tooth since I was 14. My parents never had the money to get it fixed. It makes me look like a redneck hick and I completely hate it, and even though I actually have insurance now (alas, it’s sucky insurance, but it’s there), I still haven’t gathered up the balls to go get it fixed. The point is- as much as I hate the way my stupid tooth looks, I hate the dentist more. Besides… I need a lot of dental work done. I don’t need them to tell me that because that’s just common sense. I went through a considerable period of time when I was extremely depressed and honestly didn’t give a damn about anything… including, I’m sorry to say, hygiene. Dental hygiene in particular, considering you can only go so long without taking a shower before you start becoming a distraction in classes. To this day, I’m still struggling to get back into the whole “brush your teeth twice a day” thing. I find it highly unlikely that a dentist wouldn’t realize this and comment on it, and I really, really hate being criticized for shit that I know I did and already feel bad enough about, thank-you-very-much. Like when I went in for my senior year physical, and my asshole of a doctor gave me a ten minute lecture about my weight. It’s like… yeah, thanks. I totally didn’t know that I’m about 70 pounds overweight. I never noticed, because it’s not like I get reminded of it every single fucking day in some shape or form. Anyway, that’s just not something I’m looking forward to with the dentist. In addition to my considerable FEAR OF PAIN.

There are other things, of course, but less important in my mind. Not to mention some of them (like a breast reduction) require a WHOLE bunch of money that I don’t have. Will probably never have. Ironically, the three things I hate the most are also the three easiest to change. Go figure. But again, I guess they just haven't stung me enough to motivate me to do something about them. When the hell did I get so lazy....

Bah

Saturday, January 28th, 2006 02:22 am
verloren1983: (Cry)
Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to wander into someone's online journal, only to realize that it's actually someone you KNEW when you were growing up? *shudder* I'm half tempted to go over and say hi, but then again... maybe not. The less people I subject to my incessant ramblings, the better. Besides- it's like "Yeah, I'm 22 and I work in a dead end retail job and I still live with my mother." That's real impressive. Granted, I'm only living with my mother BECAUSE I have a dead end retail job that pays shit and therefore can't afford my own place, and I do pay a fair portion of the bills, but still. That's just going to bring the thought to mind "Well... that's... pretty pathetic." Ugh. I don't even know why I give a damn about what anybody else thinks, but I do. I don't think anybody is even aware of how much it kills me to admit that.

You know... I never REALLY realized how much of a coward I am until yesterday. Well, I mean, I knew, but I hadn't thought it was quite as bad as it really is. Kelly mentioned yesterday that she's thinking about getting a Myspace account and I completely freaking FLIPPED OUT. Not at her (of course), but as soon as she left the room I did a complete edit of my profile/journal on that site, making sure to delete anything that referred to my sexuality in any shape or form. Hence... my return to Livejournal after almost a year of yet again forgetting I even had the stupid thing. I need to journal, because I'm like that, but I need a SAFE place to journal where my nosy little sister can't find it. OpenDiary is pain in the ass (not to mention they got hackers a while back and lost several months worth of people's journaling... so let's just say I don't trust that site too much anymore), so Live Journal it is. Of course, I have the attention span of a two year old, so... we'll see how long that lasts. Overall... I'm so incredibly ashamed of myself for selling out like that. And it leaves me wondering- what am I so afraid of? It's not like Kelly would be surprised if I came out to her. I mean, the kid has asked me on several occasions if I was gay. Her homophobe idiot boyfriend has strongly suspected for a long time, and he's the one that originally brought my kind of obvious gayness to Kelly's attention *coughITTAKESONETOKNOWONEcough*. Mom suspects I think. No, I know she does. And I really don't see my extended family too much, so even though it would kind of hurt if they rejected me, it would be okay. The only person I'm really sorta worried about is Rodney, my cousin Mary's husband. I'm not sure how he'd react. Especially considering that he has two little girls (nine and five), and some people have the very wrong idea that gay people molest children. (Okay, I'm sure some of them do, just like some straight people do it, but that's a very small minority and I would never ever touch a child. Period.) Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. My point is, I'm not really sure why I'm okay telling everybody BUT Kelly and my mom. While I'm figuring that out, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with being a paranoid nitwit.

I got my hair cut on Saturday and I completely hate it. It's entirely too short- but then again, my hair grows fast so in a couple of weeks it'll be fine. It's all good.

In other news, I found my bank card... underneath a bag of clothes in my room that I haven't moved in over a month. ?? No idea how that happened. Oh, and I finally got my W-2's in the mail... all I need now is the bank statement on my interest for the year and I'm all set to do my taxes. I should get a nice juicy check this year... ~hello~ x-box, new clothes, and a mattress that doesn't try to pierce me to death!

Alright, I'm just going to go away now. Until next time!

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December 2014

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