Uh, the same five I always have? This is a dumb question.
As far as non-meme stuff, here we go:
☁ My certificate of residence for school has been acquired. I had to spend more time dealing with my mother than I would've liked in order to accomplish this, but whatever, it's done. Now I can pay my bill for school. The plan is to deal with that tomorrow.
☁ Saw an apartment Saturday. Good location, big room, roommates are not super neat freaks, gay friendly, super cute kitten (who spent most of the time pretending that I was a good climbing tree. Good thing I wore jeans. XD The guy was like, "wow, she really likes you already.") It's at the top of my "I can afford this" range, but I'm not sure I'm going to get much better because rent is freaking ridiculous here. He's still showing the apartment, so we'll see what happens. I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to text him tomorrow and see what's going on. In the meantime... I should probably make some more phone calls tomorrow too. Ungh. I want to do that about as much as I want a hole in my head. I fucking hate calling people, and of course most of these are like "phone calls only!" YOU GUYS SUCK.
☁ Need to go to old work and talk to Dave about saving boxes for me. Even if I wasn't planning on moving, I would probably still do this, because I'm at a point where I just feel like I'm moving things back and forth to and from the same places in my room, and getting stuff put away in boxes would at least let me put things away neatly in an orderly way instead of haphazardly thrown everywhere.
☁ ( TL;DR- Family bullshit )
☁ Oh yeah, and did I mention that classes start again on the 26th and I'm both freaked the hell out about it and can't wait to go back? Need to get sleep back in order. It was better and then it wasn't, sooooo. <_< It's not nowhere near as bad as it was at one point, but still not terribly good.
☁ So basically, long story short, I'm super stressed/anxious about EVERYTHING and trying to keep up with my daily cleaning sessions and mostly failing, so. On the upside, it does look considerably better just from what I did today?
☁ I've also been working on a random fic bit I found in my bunny folder. I... don't even know how this happened. But yay writing?
I'm just waiting for the other shoe to finally drop.
2. I hate being female, and that's really all I have to say about that. I've been in pain all day even with medication and a heating pad, and am therefore not exactly in the best of moods. -_-
3. Haven't been writing too much on LJ recently, even though I probably should. I just... haven't felt like I've had much to say, and I'm not really sure why. I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I don't know what's causing it, but it needs to stop. Like, now.
...actually, that's a lie. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. A combination of hormones (since I was late, again, though at least this time it was only a couple of weeks. Still. It's definitely enough to mess with things) and another factor I don't really feel like discussing at the moment. It's probably just me being weird and hopefully it'll pass soon.
4. For something good? A supervisor I can't stand is most likely being transferred to another store. \o\ \o/ /o/ THANK FUCKING GOD.
I hate to end this on this note, but it's 6am and I really need to go to bed. I've been staying up waaaaaay too late the last few days. *sigh*
However, I have a nasty feeling that there’s an ulterior motive for this… like with Walgreens coming up across the street in a few months, they’re sort of trying to bribe people into staying. Like, “Look, we can act human for all of five seconds, and in that five seconds we’ll give you a raise!” I don’t know, a raise isn’t a bad thing… it’s just… I have this gut feeling that there are strings attached to this sucker.
2) I just remembered that my friend Dave’s birthday was today. Whoops. Then again, considering that there hasn’t been so much as an e-mail between us in the last couple of years, calling him a friend might be a bit of a stretch. I guess… you never really get used to losing friends. We used to be close (though not as close as we probably could’ve been, thanks to me holding back and never completely trusting him with the stuff that really mattered, like I didn‘t tell him that my dad left until almost six months after the fact… though he held back with me too, the only thing I don’t know is whether he did that on his own or just because that’s what I was doing)… and we just… drifted apart. Somehow I allowed that to happen. No, actually, that’s not true. I’ll admit that my drifting apart from Lynn was half my fault for not stopping it when I had the chance, but I’m not taking credit for this one. I tried with Dave. I tried to keep in touch, sent e-mails and cards and whatnot, and I would get an e-mail that was two sentences long at most, and he NEVER took the initiative to write to me when it wasn’t in reply to something. He showed absolutely no interest in continuing a friendship with me, so eventually I just… stopped trying. Stopped putting myself out there, because really, what was the point? I just wish he could’ve had the balls to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean… okay, that would’ve really sucked and I would’ve probably hated him for it, but at least it would’ve been over. Done. No more of me wondering why he still talks to Stef but not me. No more of me wondering “Is he really that busy that he can’t spend five minutes and write a fair sized e-mail, or is he blowing me off?” You know? I just hate being strung along… and I hate this fucking feeling that I still have even now, this… loss. The feeling when you lose somebody (no matter the means- a fight, death, moving, etc.) like some part of you is missing because they took that piece with them. I guess maybe that’s the person you were when you were with them- the part of you that’s missing, I mean. They’re gone, so that part of your personality is gone too.
Okay, I’m rambling now and I probably make absolutely NO sense whatsoever, and I need to go do laundry and stuff. So I think I’ll shut up now.
Kelly finished Kingdom Hearts... I’m so pissed. My almost non-gamer sister, who has previously only ever finished Harry Potter games (and that was about the hardest she’s ever played, to add insult to injury)(let me clarify that... I like the Harry Potter games, I do. But they’re far from challenging for a real gamer and pure entertainment as far as I’m concerned.), finished a game before I did. I guess to a certain extent I shouldn’t be mad. I haven’t worked on it in about a month, and I’ve been working on three or four other games in the meantime. It shouldn’t really piss me off... but it does.
I just realized something... I was listening to "Because of You" for about the billionth time, and when it got to the part of "Because of you I am afraid"... I kind of involuntarily thought "of getting hurt again", but then a voice in the back of my head piped up, "of being like you". I was thinking of my dad when I was listening to that part of the song, so... alright, I'm rambling. My point is that I realized that part of what's keeping me from getting in a relationship is that I'm afraid of becoming my father. I'm afraid of just getting up one day and walking out on my partner, no explanation, no regard for any children that may be involved, nothing. Of becoming this heartless bastard that doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything but (her)self. Of course, now that I've said that it sounds completely irrational. I mean... it's not like I wouldn't have a choice in the matter, you know? And just because I share some traits with him that doesn't mean that I have to end up like him, or do what he did. I'm not condemned to his fate just because I'm his child. At least that's what I keep telling myself. There's a part of me that remains to be convinced that there's not some emotional bomb somewhere in my brain waiting for the right time to explode, that I'm not dangerous to be in a relationship with because of that. The truth is, I am seriously fucked up in some seriously important ways when it comes to dealing with people... especially ones I care about. We all have emotional baggage, I know that, but... this just reaffirms my belief that I have to be extremely careful of who I allow into my world, of who I allow myself to care about... and that I should never, ever be in a relationship (even if there ever is a chance for that, which I seriously doubt).
As a complete change of subject: Keegan, who usually only works 7-1 so I never ever see her, has worked the last two days on the evening shift. And I have to say I'm glad that she's going back to working her normal days again. Not because I don't like her or anything... actually, that's kind of the problem. I think I really could LIKE her if I spent some more time with her. She's cute and funny and smart... jesus. And also straight, engaged, and has a ten year old son. (Which means she's older than she looks... I know she's at least 30, but she looks my age. Maybe even a little younger. Scary.)
And another change in subject: I splurged tonight and purchased three movies- A Beautiful Mind, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason(I wasn't really paying attention and I thought it was the first one... the second one is good too, though, so it's okay), and The Brother's Grimm. It wasn't till I got home that I realized that there was a definite "B" theme going on... wonder what that means.
I really need to go and put this headache to bed, so I'm going to leave you with a quote from the diary sic transit gloria mundi, which reads: "There isn't always time, which is a stupid thing to say since I seem to spend an awful lot of time just sitting here not doing anything, but the thing about not doing anything is that you don't always realise that's what's going on, when you're doing it. It usually feels like waiting for something, only after a while you realise you actually aren't, or else forgot what you were waiting for."
I just now noticed that there's a little line on top of the entry box that says "Autosaved draft at..." and then updates itself every ten seconds. Is that new, or am I really that oblivious to have never noticed that before?
Found yet another good Harry/Draco fic today (well, good so far, anyway)... I've really got to stop this. The pairing is really starting to become an obsession, and... JKR is never going to make it happen except for maybe in an alternate universe, and I'll just be disappointed when Harry and Ginny get married and have a gazillion babies, even though I knew it was coming. Kinda like how I was pissed that Lupin is with Tonks even though I was convinced that he and Sirius were together all through the fifth book (maybe the fourth too, who knows). *Kicks self* Maybe I should just get back into my little Suikoden Tir/Gremio thing and just forget about the other. Maybe. It'd be a lot easier if Harry and Draco weren't so fucking perfect together. Grrr. *Kicks self again*
My CD is finally done, so maybe I'll go read or something. I still have another hour and ten minutes roughly for my clothes, so yeah... should go do something.
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.
(Sad thing is... I'm still at the "who I've been" part...)
The other day I was talking with this girl I work with, Desiree, about children, when I finally realized something for the first time: It doesn’t really matter that I don’t want kids, because I can’t have them. Ever. Well, no, I shouldn’t say that because TECHNICALLY, I could. Let me specify that in the statement that it will be a physical impossibility for me to conceive a child with my (future) partner. Sure, we could use a sperm donor or we could adopt- but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I knew all of this before, of course, but I guess the implications never really hit me until now- after all, I’ve never wanted to have children. It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve changed “I’m never having kids” to “I don’t want children, but there’s a slight chance that could change in the future”. Probably because it’s been in the last couple of years that the pangs started (otherwise known as a woman’s biological clock going “uh, yeah, you know you only have a limited amount of time to do this, right?”). I think most women know what I’m talking about to some degree or other (and most of them to a much higher level than mine), but let me explain it for the men. It’s when you see a particularly cute baby, or you’re holding a friend’s or relative’s baby and they’re playing with your fingers and giggling, just smiling, or something equally adorable- that even women who strongly dislike children will think “Well, maybe having a kid wouldn’t be so bad.” This is where a woman who likes kids would go “OH MY GOD I WANT ONE!” They generally don’t last long (about as long as it takes the thought to cross your mind), but they’re intense little fuckers. Not that I would admit to actually having these pangs to anyone I know, of course, but they’re there. And that, more than anything, is why this whole thing depresses me so much. When you think of having children, you think of you and your partner having a child. Together. That kid is the combination of the two of you. Just the thought of… having a kid but it’s not mine, or not hers, or not ours anyway because we adopted… it’s fucking depressing. This is nature’s ultimate joke, I guess: “Not only will you be a social pariah and be denied rights that 90% of the population gets just for being born, you will be unable to reproduce with your partner. Ha!” Because apparently nature thinks this is immensely funny, and we all know that Biology loves to fuck with our minds to begin with. I guess… you don’t realize that maybe some part of you DID want something, until you find out that you can never have it. As cliché as that is.
In the past week I’ve gone from being reluctantly interested in the Harry/Draco ship to being completely fucking obsessed with it, despite the fact that a large part of my brain is still fighting it. Figure that one out. Anyway, I put all the blame on pir8fancier for bringing the interest into an obsession. Too good of a writer, dammit.
I still feel like crap, which probably has a great deal to do with the fact that I haven’t really been eating. I always turn semi-anorexic during my period out of practicality- why eat when it’s going to make my stomach declare war over a sandwich? During this time I usually eat something small about once a day, and I’m usually sorry for it later, but hey… you’ve gotta eat. The good news is that I usually lose about five pounds during this whole ordeal- bad news is that I gain it back almost instantly once I actually start eating again. Bah. Well, it makes me feel a little better about my weight for a whole five minutes.Funniest thing yesterday: Paul and I were looking through some of the old sample greeting cards/borders, and we came across the picture of Shawn (kid that worked there like two years ago, sixteen, cute, I'm not sure if he knew that he was gay yet but he definitely is)- Paul was like, "Who is THAT and why does he not work here anymore?" He he. I spent the next five minutes trying to convince him that Shawn was too young for him anyway... don't think it worked. Paul seems to have a thing for the just-barely-legals. Okay, well, it was funny at the time.
I should be doing laundry right now, as I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow (today, for the rest of the world)... but ah, fuck it. I'll make some sort of attempt at getting up at a halfway decent hour in the morning. ...Yeah, right. Oh, as if anybody but me cares, I decided to go ahead and get a paid account- only for two months, though, so that way if I don’t like it… I’ve only wasted five bucks, you know? Although I did waste a considerable amount of time today fucking around with my color scheme and whatnot, since every time I played with it I either didn't like the design or the colors hurt my eyes or SOMETHING. So finally we have something that all parts of my brain can agree on. Yay.
I think my brain is conspiring against me. Or maybe just Harry Potter slash writers. Why, oh why do all the good slash writers have to be Harry/Draco? (okay, not all, just most of them) I'm really starting to like the pairing despite myself, and I really, really hate that. On that note: I found some absoutely delicious H/D stuff written by one pir8fancier , so if you're into that or at least open to it, go check it out. Gorgeous. Particularly "Let's Just Pretend the War Is Over", which is sad and hysterical and just beautifully written.
I was just listening to “Somebody’s Watching Over Me” by Hilary Duff (shut up, it’s a good song) and had a horrific thought: If our loved ones who have passed are, in fact, keeping an eye on us… that’s a scary idea. I mean… what my grandmother must think of me! What she must think of my virtual standstill, being too afraid to do anything and doing absolutely nothing with my life. And the thing that really gets me about this is that my grandmother was and still is one of the few people that I’m terrified of disappointing. I’m almost in tears just thinking about this, because honestly, she must be SO disappointed in everything I’m doing and everything I’ve become. It’s funny that I’ve listened to the song how many times before, and that never even occurred to me until just now. I need to go… do something. Anything.
(It's completely horrible that I just started three paragraphs in a row with the word "I", and it's completely against The Writer's Guide To Good Writing and All That Shit, but I'm too lazy to fix it. So there.)
I know perfectly well that the things I hate most about myself are things that are changeable. Well, the three main ones, anyway. Yet… I choose not to do anything about them. Why is that? Apparently being reminded of these things every single day of my miserable life isn’t enough to prod me into taking action, so what IS going to? Why do we, as humans, procrastinate until the very last second to do things that we need to do for our own well being? Honestly… is that rut we’ve dug up for ourselves really that comfortable? I guess so. I guess some of us are just so terrified of change- even change that’s good for us- that we dig our nails into the dirt around us, unwilling to let go just at the mere mention of moving somewhere else. Some of us have a comfy little cot set up in that rut and are wary of leaving this set-up that could leave us considerably worse off. Some of us… are simply too lazy to do anything else. The big question is: which is it for you, and what’s going to make you get up off your ass and do something about your life?
My answer for this, personally, is that I don’t have a fucking clue. As far as reasons- the first two are definitely me. Fear of change and an unwillingness to leave a place I’m used to (not necessarily comfortable in, but used to) in exchange for the very scary unknown. Yep. That’s me in a nutshell. But I don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s going to force me off my fat ass, so to speak. Alright, so going back to the three most hated things about myself and how I can/need to change them.
1. My weight. First and foremost. I try to act like this doesn’t bother me, but it does. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself anymore. The solution to this is… rather obvious. Eat better (I don’t really eat that much, so the amount isn’t an issue for me. But 99% of what I do eat is processed meat, cheese, white bread, and so on.) and exercise. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to put in the effort to do either of these things for very long. About twice a year I’ll get into a “let’s get healthy” kick, and it’ll last all of two or three days before I decide it’s too much of a pain in the ass and give up on it. But hell, if my mom can lose all the weight she has, I definitely can. If I can motivate myself to do it.
2. School/CVS/Living at home. These are tied together in my mind, because my brain makes the connection that going to college equals leaving CVS, and going to college also means that I will no longer be living with my mother. A win-win situation all around. It’s not so much the leaving CVS part I’m having issues with, or the leaving my Mom’s house thing, it’s the school part. Not that I don’t like school. I’m just terrified beyond terrified of failing. The twisted thing about me is, I’d rather not go at all than to go there and fail. I’d rather die than fail, actually. Failing would prove my worst fears about myself to be true, and that’s just… so frightening I can’t even tell you.
3. My tooth. This is merely cosmetic- I’ve had a chip in one of my front tooth since I was 14. My parents never had the money to get it fixed. It makes me look like a redneck hick and I completely hate it, and even though I actually have insurance now (alas, it’s sucky insurance, but it’s there), I still haven’t gathered up the balls to go get it fixed. The point is- as much as I hate the way my stupid tooth looks, I hate the dentist more. Besides… I need a lot of dental work done. I don’t need them to tell me that because that’s just common sense. I went through a considerable period of time when I was extremely depressed and honestly didn’t give a damn about anything… including, I’m sorry to say, hygiene. Dental hygiene in particular, considering you can only go so long without taking a shower before you start becoming a distraction in classes. To this day, I’m still struggling to get back into the whole “brush your teeth twice a day” thing. I find it highly unlikely that a dentist wouldn’t realize this and comment on it, and I really, really hate being criticized for shit that I know I did and already feel bad enough about, thank-you-very-much. Like when I went in for my senior year physical, and my asshole of a doctor gave me a ten minute lecture about my weight. It’s like… yeah, thanks. I totally didn’t know that I’m about 70 pounds overweight. I never noticed, because it’s not like I get reminded of it every single fucking day in some shape or form. Anyway, that’s just not something I’m looking forward to with the dentist. In addition to my considerable FEAR OF PAIN.
There are other things, of course, but less important in my mind. Not to mention some of them (like a breast reduction) require a WHOLE bunch of money that I don’t have. Will probably never have. Ironically, the three things I hate the most are also the three easiest to change. Go figure. But again, I guess they just haven't stung me enough to motivate me to do something about them. When the hell did I get so lazy....
You know... I never REALLY realized how much of a coward I am until yesterday. Well, I mean, I knew, but I hadn't thought it was quite as bad as it really is. Kelly mentioned yesterday that she's thinking about getting a Myspace account and I completely freaking FLIPPED OUT. Not at her (of course), but as soon as she left the room I did a complete edit of my profile/journal on that site, making sure to delete anything that referred to my sexuality in any shape or form. Hence... my return to Livejournal after almost a year of yet again forgetting I even had the stupid thing. I need to journal, because I'm like that, but I need a SAFE place to journal where my nosy little sister can't find it. OpenDiary is pain in the ass (not to mention they got hackers a while back and lost several months worth of people's journaling... so let's just say I don't trust that site too much anymore), so Live Journal it is. Of course, I have the attention span of a two year old, so... we'll see how long that lasts. Overall... I'm so incredibly ashamed of myself for selling out like that. And it leaves me wondering- what am I so afraid of? It's not like Kelly would be surprised if I came out to her. I mean, the kid has asked me on several occasions if I was gay. Her homophobe idiot boyfriend has strongly suspected for a long time, and he's the one that originally brought my kind of obvious gayness to Kelly's attention *coughITTAKESONETOKNOWONEcough*. Mom suspects I think. No, I know she does. And I really don't see my extended family too much, so even though it would kind of hurt if they rejected me, it would be okay. The only person I'm really sorta worried about is Rodney, my cousin Mary's husband. I'm not sure how he'd react. Especially considering that he has two little girls (nine and five), and some people have the very wrong idea that gay people molest children. (Okay, I'm sure some of them do, just like some straight people do it, but that's a very small minority and I would never ever touch a child. Period.) Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. My point is, I'm not really sure why I'm okay telling everybody BUT Kelly and my mom. While I'm figuring that out, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with being a paranoid nitwit.
I got my hair cut on Saturday and I completely hate it. It's entirely too short- but then again, my hair grows fast so in a couple of weeks it'll be fine. It's all good.
In other news, I found my bank card... underneath a bag of clothes in my room that I haven't moved in over a month. ?? No idea how that happened. Oh, and I finally got my W-2's in the mail... all I need now is the bank statement on my interest for the year and I'm all set to do my taxes. I should get a nice juicy check this year... ~hello~ x-box, new clothes, and a mattress that doesn't try to pierce me to death!
Alright, I'm just going to go away now. Until next time!