(no subject)

Friday, November 11th, 2011 03:45 am
verloren1983: (fma: to new adventures!)
☁ You know those moments where you can kind of imagine your head exploding? Yeah. I actually =felt= my brain explode Monday. Well, not literally, obviously, but I felt SOMETHING happen in my head. That's... not good, is it? O_o (Basically, the cause was a severe WTF moment with a coworker. I was seriously like, "Uh... what just happened? O_O")

☁ Faith in humanity- somewhat restored. THANK GOD. I'd say that maybe the defeat in Mississippi will make these idiots rethink this whole "Personhood" thing, but.... my faith in humanity isn't THAT restored. XD

☁ Kinda scary how I hear myself in this video. Not the whole thing, mind. But the part where she's talking about coping mechanisms, and the people that totally shut down? Yeeeeeah. I have actually SAID the phrase she uses. That being said, I don't think it's a coping mechanism for the fear of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a coping mechanism. But it's more as a way of avoiding pain in the first place. She does mention that, but I think the connection to the fear of loneliness is misplaced. Fear is part of it, sure, but that's a fear of rejection, not loneliness. Though maybe that's just me.

☁ Okay, BN, really? =SIX= separate shipments for eleven items is "as few as possible?" Especially when three of those shipments have one or two books? WTF? I really don't get how these companies work sometimes.

☁ It's strange how sometimes you can have a strong reaction to some inanimate object you've never seen before. I saw this journal in the mall the other day and it just... pulled at me. I don't even KNOW. All of a sudden I was just trying really hard not to cry (how embarrassing would THAT have been, jeez), and GUH. Butterflies have an instant association in my head with my grandmother, as she used to call me Butterfly. I don't know whether it's that she's been on my mind subconsciously or what, that made me react the way I did, but... needless to say, I purchased the journal. (Luckily it wasn't that expensive- it's actually cheaper in Hallmark than it is on Amazon, go figure.) I've decided that I'm going to use it as a "school journal" when I go back. Appropriate, in a way. ^_^

(no subject)

Friday, July 15th, 2011 01:06 am
verloren1983: (Chi)
☁ When I was in 8th grade, we did a video of our year for our English class. My friends and I did a lot of the work for it, because we were geeks like that. :P Anyway, there was drama surrounding that which I'm not getting into right now; the point is that very few people got a copy of that tape. Seven including myself, if I remember correctly. I found the tape again recently, so I decided I would get it put on a DVD. That way I could have it, put it on my computer, do... something with the VHS (I'm not sure what though, it feels wrong to destroy it. :/) It came back Monday. I'd hoped that the quality would be better, but the fact is that we are talking about a 15 year old VHS here. Realistically speaking, it's as good as I could've hoped for... though holy cow, there's a lot of typos. Extra cool is that apparently they have a thing going on at the moment where they send you a free extra DVD. Didn't actually need it, but hey, I gave it to Stef. ^_^

There was also a video I did before I moved the first time, of the apartment I grew up in and at school and stuff. Too long in places, but overall amusing, at least to me. Probably boring as hell to most people. Totally worth it. :D

☁ The home video did make me realize something, though- why the hell was I not ever tested for ADD as a kid? Seriously. I always thought it was an adult onset thing, and when I told my mom the theory, she said that I was always like this, the being easily distracted by shiny and not able to keep my attention on anything for long (books seem to be the singular exception- even then, I will often be reading two or three books at once, and have been for as long as I can remember). I didn't actually believe her until I started watching the video, and 16 year old Ver kept getting distracted by EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE. Holy crap. It'll be fine and then all of a sudden... "Light!" or "Kitty!" or what have you. And if someone else is in the room, forget about it. >_<

Then again, I still haven't been tested, I just operate under the assumption that I'm ADD. (Apparently ADHD-PI, actually. Of DSM-IV's list, where six "symptoms" are required for a diagnosis, I have eight. Seriously, the wiki page explains so much about my life, except for the trouble in school part. I managed to escape that bit because I worked really hard to get that positive attention. Middle child syndrome. XD) I can't be bothered to do anything about it, though. It's annoying, but it doesn't have a HUGE negative effect on my daily life, so I've never felt like it was worth making a big deal about to a doctor or anything.

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity, assuming it's not some sort of elaborate scam. The biggest things are that one, I would need to be able to take three and a half months off. Yeah, not happening. Two, it's 11 days over the stay allowed without a visa. So I would need a Japanese visa. By September. I don't even know if that's possible. It's a nice idea though, and I would love to do it, but guh.

☁ I'm not much for singing shows, but I did see some of the auditions for The Voice, though I didn't watch it after that. I found out recently that it was over, so of course I looked up who won- turns out it was my favorite! Yay! Seriously, I could listen to his audition all day. Incredible voice. Funny thing about it is that the studio recorded version isn't as good. Go figure.

Sadly, my other favorite apparently didn't make it into the top 8. Boo. Too bad, he has a great rock voice (even though he was singing a country song).

☁ More Suikoden II reactions, in no particular order!
There ARE spoilers in this one, so uh. If you don't want to be spoiled, don't look under the cut. :D )
verloren1983: (Cookies)
(Before we start, I'd like to say that I'm sick and on cold medicine, so if there's anything that doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance. I'm trying to make a serious post here, but I'm not sure how well it's going to work out.)

Edit: Apologies. DW doesn't seem to want to cut this properly, either. *kicks it* I know this is long, and I would cut it if I could. I'm not trying to be obnoxious. Please don't kill me. XD

So I was talking to a coworker the other day about the hair thing- mainly, how my mother and younger sister react to it. It's something I've been thinking about since, and figured it might make an interesting discussion topic.

First, the explanation for myself. I keep my hair cut very short. It's not meant as a statement, though I'm aware that it DOES make one. That's not the intention. I cut my hair this way because I like it this way, plain and simple. I don't see why I should let stupid things like rigid views of femininity or what other people think decide anything about myself. In the same spirit, I often wear men's cologne as well... the ones I like, of course. I'm not about to do something like that just to be contrary. I enjoy that aspect of it, yes. But it's not a contributing factor in those kinds of decisions. I like my hair short. The fact that it pretty much screams DYKE in ten different languages is just a fun bonus. Maybe I would feel differently if I wasn't a lesbian, or if I wasn't bordering on genderqueer. Maybe I would care more about how society looks at me if I was a straight, cis female. But I'm not, so I can't say for sure on either count.

That being said, reactions to my short hair have been overwhelmingly positive ever since I first cut it. I've had many women tell me that they wish they had the guts to do it. Which baffles me, really. How is it particularly brave when it's just hair? I'm not doing anything permanent to myself. If I don't like it, it'll grow back. Seriously, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. But I've never had any emotional attachment to my hair, either, and a lot of women do. Plus it goes back to not wanting to defy social norms, I guess. Regardless, I have it on good authority that it's a look that suits me. I get that it looks "cute" a lot, which honestly makes me cringe so hard on the inside. Perfect example: today I had an older woman tell me, "I wish I could cut my hair that short, but I would look like an old man. ...It looks cute on you, though!" *twitchtwitch* I try my hardest to ignore those comments and just take in that I can pull it off.

Yet every time I get it cut- especially this last time when it got REALLY short- my mother and younger sister declare that they hate it, that it doesn't look good on me, what have you. My mother even went so far as to say to me, "Why did you let them do that to your hair?" as if a weed whacker had been taken to it. Um, I told her to? Kelly, too, regularly asks me when I'm going back to long hair. I won't say never, because I honestly don't know, but it's not going to be at any point in the forseeable future, that's for sure.

So I got to thinking about WHY they're so threatened by this look. Seriously, I think that's what it is. What other explanation could there be for them clinging so tightly to the idea that short hair is terrible? I think there's some disconnect there between who they think I am and who I actually am. I have never been a girly-girl type. Ever. Yes, I had long hair for a long time- too long, really. But I was overly hung up on what everyone else would think if I cut it the way I wanted it. Plus it was ordinary. It let me hide and not bring attention to myself. It wasn't a reflection of my personality or who I was. It's closer to that now, I think. Regardless of what people might say, I think most of us think of women with short hair as less feminine, even if we don't necessarily see it as that. I have to wonder if it's maybe hardwired in our brains or something, because it's just kind of automatic. I know personally, I first wonder if they're gay (but that also may be just because as a gay person, I'm auto-looking for someone like myself). I also tend to think of short haired girls as lower maintenance and more down to earth than girls with long hair. I think maybe part of that too is my own personal experience- I have yet to see a woman with short hair that also had pounds of makeup on and dressed up and everything. So I tend to see them as... less like these high maintenance plasticky creatures and more like someone I could actually relate to. And me myself being sort of androgynous, I guess I see them that way too. If that makes any sense. Of course, I'm not saying that all girls with long hair are high maintenance or anything ridiculous like that. I'm just saying that it really does change the impression you give off, whether it's something you want or not.

The bottom line is, the hair clearly says "I'm gay. Have a problem with that? Too bad." And my family, clearly, has a problem with that. I think they can't deal. And since they can't pick at my sexuality because I'm not officially out to most of my family (gee, I wonder WHY), they pick at my hair instead. Which is pointless, because I just roll my eyes and do what I want anyway. They know this about me. So then why keep harping on about it if there's no ulterior motive? Don't misunderstand me, I don't think it's intentional, at least for the most part. It's probably largely a subconscious thing. However, that doesn't make it okay. They want me to be someone I'm not, someone I've never been. Growing my hair out again isn't going to suddenly make me straight anymore than cutting it made me queer in the first place. They need to deal with that. At the very least, they want me to hide myself better, because they're not comfortable with me being open and out there with it. They would rather at least try to pretend. The way it stands now... yes, I'm obvious. I'm done hiding. I'm never going to be exactly what the world thinks a woman is "supposed" to be. But you know what? Most women don't live up to that standard, including my mother and my sister. I guess I'm far enough away from it that it makes some people uncomfortable. That's fine, it's their problem, not mine. I'm not going to change how I look just because some people are dicks. It's really just an annoyance at this point... but it does make for an interesting social experiment. When I was downtown last week, I was in jeans and my cloud/rainbow scarf t-shirt, plus the super-short hair. At times, yes, it felt like people were staring and I got a bit self conscious about that. As I passed this one group of men, they started calling things out at me, though I'm not sure what they were because I had music blasting in my ears. I probably didn't want to know anyway. Yeah, at times it felt a bit as if I were on display. As I said, though, it's interesting to see how people react to you in those kinds of situations. So would I do it again? Probably.

So what I'm curious to find out from you guys is, what do you think of all this? What do you think when you see a younger woman with short hair? (I'm not counting older women, because from my experience, it's a lot more common for 50+ ladies to chop their hair off. It's much, much rarer for women under 50.) How do you see femininity, masculinity, society's views on both? How do you feel you fit into the gender spectrum (if at all)? Do you think you get treated differently because of how you present? I realize my flist consists of mostly cis-gendered straight-ish women, so responses to the last couple aren't likely to be varied. I figure it's still worth a shot. Could be fun.
verloren1983: (Kitty Ahhhh!)
☁ I was asked to post these, so to my absolute mortification, here you go. These icons are totally Lish's fault. Just... don't even ask. Seriously. Though I need to mess around more with the first one because I still don't like it.


☁ Been re-reading some old Harry/Draco fic. Hell, I missed these two. <3 It's totally not helping me write [info]blind_go , though. Pffft. I've also been DL-ing a lot of PoT doujin lately. XDDD

☁ Also fandom related: people have been posting to the kink meme, which is hysterical since it's three years old. I generally still get posts on it every once in a while, but the sudden interest is amusing. :P

☁ And speaking of Harry Potter, couple of annoyances about the new release of Deathly Hallows Part 1. The first is that Walmart had an exclusive on the special edition DVD. Really, WB? I know the studios are trying to push the Bluray, but honestly. I don't have a Bluray player. I have no intention of purchasing one- if I'm going to spend the money, I might as well save a bit more and buy a PS3 so I can play games on the damn thing. STOP TRYING TO SHOVE THE FUCKING BLURAY DOWN MY THROAT.


The other thing that pissed me off was actually in the deleted scenes. Now... when I saw DH1 in the theater, I was incredibly disappointed that it didn't have the scene with Harry and Dudley when the Dursley's were leaving. It was a big moment for the both of them. But guess what? It was in the special features. What the ever loving hell. I think it's WORSE, knowing that they filmed it and decided that it WASN'T IMPORTANT, as opposed to not shooting it (there could've been a number of reasons why they didn't end up shooting it, after all). Seriously. What the fuck, WB.


☁ Dear Mother Nature: We had about 50 thousand feet of snow this winter- I promise you, the ground doesn't need anymore water for a while. Possibly the entire summer. You don't need to rain all freaking week. No love, Ver

☁ Class started today. So as part of my first assignment, I'm supposed to be reading at least one book about writing and/or creativity. I have a bunch on my laptop that I have yet to read (in addition to one or two physical ones whose whereabouts are currently unknown), so I decided to look through. Just on the lappy, I have enough that I could read two books a week for almost the entire length of the course. O_o And only three of the 20 are grammar centered. *headdesk* Although on the other hand, it's as good of an excuse as any to get some of those under my belt?

The other part of the assignment is to get a "writer's journal", which isn't a problem because I have a zillion empty notebooks. Unofficial assignments through the course include writing for 10 minutes a day NO MATTER WHAT and to spend at least an hour a week doing something creative besides writing (I'm thinking scrapbooking/playing in photoshop. :D)

Possibly triggery/TMI, who knows. Cut just in case. )
verloren1983: (My Own Little World)
1. So I finally got around to actually sitting down and reading The Lovely Bones, which I've been meaning to do for MONTHS. Even with continually stopping to do something else distracting, it was a quick read. Verdict? Beautifully written, but depressing as hell. When I first saw the movie, I thought that they spent waaay too much time focused on the heaven bit and not enough on the living people bit. The book only reinforces that opinion, really. Heaven, death, is not the point. Life is the point. Horrible things happen, but life continues. Maybe not the way it was before, but it does, it has to for those of us that are left behind. What other choice do we have?

...now, of course, I need to decide what to read next in my pile of "been meaning to read" books. Hmm.

2. FMA manga is done. I... can live with the ending. I don't want to say much more to avoid potentially spoiling people, but... yeah. Roy's ending is a little too neat, though. I think that would be my sole complaint about how things worked out.

3. Speaking of manga, RAWR, where is the Hourou Musuko update? *pokes the mangaka with a stick*

4. Thinking about picking up SW again... though I don't know if it would be with Al. Probably. I miss playing him. Not that I was ever that active, heh. Character squatting FTW? On the upside, it would be a chance to create a not-sucky username for him. The only problem there is that I suck at coming up with clever usernames. Pfft. Also I'm not sure how re-apping would work. *groan* I hate writing apps.

5. Haven't been wearing my claddagh ring recently... it's weird. I have my reasons for it (mostly, I'm just not sure how to wear it at the moment), but it's just... I've been wearing the damn thing so long now that I feel a little naked without it. Problem there is that I don't own any other rings to replace it. Damn my fat fingers. XD

6. Possible TMI territory, but eh. Don't like bra-talk, don't read any further. :P

The band on my bras have been seeming loose, so I borrowed a tape measure and did some measuring. The Good News: My band size IS smaller- I've gone from a 42 to a 38. \o/ The Bad News: My cup size has only gone down an inch... so not nearly enough in comparison to my band size. There's a 10 inch difference between the cup and the band now instead of 7. Which means that I'm not even ON Lane Bryant's chart anymore. The highest they go is 9, which is an H. SOB.

Really, that just means that I need to go get measured properly... at some point. My old bras are still fitting more or less okay, so I'm not terribly worried about it at the moment. But GUH. This is the biggest thing I was afraid of with the losing weight thing, and now it's HAPPENING. If I end up with freakish measurements, I'm NOT going to be a happy camper. You hear that, body? CUT IT OUT. >|

Okay, I have to go get laundry out of the dryer and whatnot, so I'll shut up and stop spamming everyone about stupid stuff. For now. ^^;;;

(no subject)

Sunday, May 11th, 2008 12:40 pm
verloren1983: (Biology)
Happy Mother's Day to the moms on my flist! <3

I don't know what Mom's doing when she's home, but she needs to stop it, because the ethernet cable for my computer keeps getting loose enough on her end that my internet doesn't work. -_- Which is a pain in the ass, let me tell you. And it's only when she's home, so I know it's something SHE'S doing. Guh.

My prepaid phone was fantastic when I wasn't really using it that much. I'd put $20 on it every three months just to keep it active and I'd be golden. Now, however... it's costing me a lot of freaking money. I don't even want to know how much, quite honestly. I haven't been keeping track. So... after my vacation, I'm probably going to end up getting a monthly plan. I can get 1300 minutes total (which should be plenty, I still don't talk on it THAT much) plus unlimited texting for about $50. It sounds like a lot, at least to me, but I'm positive I'll be saving money that way. Plus I don't need to switch carriers or get a new phone or anything. ^_^

Last night at work can be summed up in two words: complete hell. It was busier than fuck, we had no extra staff even though it was the freaking day before MOTHER'S DAY, people were being bitchy, the digital machines were being pissy, I had to mix chemicals when I never actually got trained on mixing chemicals (so the machine might've been contaminated this morning, who knows), I never got a break AND I got out almost an hour late... plus I got my period yesterday and was having hellish cramps, so was in a lot of pain all day and couldn't leave early. *sigh* And it's probably going to be the same thing all over again tonight minus the cramps. Shoot me?

Those bras I ordered came in. And... wow. The 'cute as I can get in my size' one is cute (<3), and two others I didn't bother trying on because I have that exact type of bra in a different color, but one? Wow. I like... have a waist. Sort of. The only bad part is that it makes my boobs go "Hey, look at ME!" And... you know, at my size, I most definitely don't need to be doing that. XD They garner enough attention without that. XDDD But. You know. WAIST. <3 And that bra will look amazing with this one top I have. It will be the closest I can get to being attractive. Like, ever. XD

I should probably start trying to pack in the next couple of days. Guh. That's probably number 3 in most hated parts about traveling, packing. Two is the actual travel part. One.. is leaving the place you traveled to.

Guh. It's 1:30 1:45 now. I need to get something to eat and hop in the shower. I don't wanna.
verloren1983: (Wiggle)
Yeah, okay, I've been slacking on the journaling. Um... whoops? XD

Monday at work was hell. -_- Several people dropping off 10+ rolls of film at a time... what the hell? I had this one guy drop of 17 rolls AND 350 digital prints. What the fuck is wrong with people? >_< I didn't even get a break, so I closed down the lab as fast as I could and booked it out of there a half an hour early. Fuck it. But yeah, I came home and just melted into the couch for a bit. XD It helped.

Hikaru's icons are maxed out already. XDDD 15 is... ohmygodsolittle. And I still didn't get quite the expression I wanted for one of them... I think I'm going to have to watch the series again so I can get icon bases. Meh.

I haz waterproof boots. Yay! *cheers* I also got some plain t-shirts for work (5-6 dollars each. Can't go wrong there, and I wreck stuff so fast at work because of chemicals and stuff, I'm constantly needing new shirts), a few movies (including Harry Potter 5, which somehow I hadn't purchased yet), and some extra styluses for my DS, and a new mousepad (tiger, rawr!)... damage for the day was around $120. Not bad at all! ^_^ Especially considering that's how much I was expecting to spend just on the boots. XD

Still can't believe about Heath Ledger's death. I mean... wow. Such a talent, and he was only four years older than I am. I'm still totally shocked about that... He's one of those actors that's just... guh. I saw Brothers Grimm just because he was in it, you know? And now he's gone and that's just fucking depressing. Who will top my list of "I'd go straight for ________" now? XDDD (Okay, it might sound like I'm being a bitch and making fun of this, I'm really not. I promise. It's just 3:30am and I'm freaking tired and probably not coming across the right way.)

I should go to the grocery store. We need cat food. It would also give me a chance to break in those boots a little... but it's really, really late and all I want to do right now is go to bed. Meh. Maybe I can get away with going when I wake up? XDDD

And finally, in RPland, we now have Isumi (all important ^_^), Ogata, Ashiwara, and Saeki. Whee! <3
verloren1983: (WayaSumi)
1. Pye found another use for my Christmas card- a bookmark! <3 Recycling. It's a good thing.

2. God. I really, really need to go grocery shopping. I'm sick to death of ramen. <_< Meant to go earlier, but it was freezing rain out and stuff, so I didn't. Maybe in the afternoon...

3. Wasn't I supposed to write today? *fails*

4. So... the assistant manager at work knows I'm into Harry Potter... and he saved a couple of the display things from movie 5 for me. ^_^ One of them is cardboard and I therefore have no idea what to do with it, but the other was kinda like posterboard, so I put it up on my wall. See Voldy. I thought it was pretty cool, myself. And yes, it's bigger at the bottom than at the top, that's not something wrong with the way I was holding the camera. XD Only problem is that he's at the foot of my bed, and will therefore be one of the first things I see when I wake up. Not completely sure THAT was a good idea. <_<

Also, while I was taking pictures... since I talk about them all the time, for the curious, here is Isumi (the old possibly dead computer), Kuwabara (the borrowed useless pain in the ass), Ochibi (the 500GB external hard drive), and Oishi (the current computer; that's my DS sitting on him). ^_^;;; Just don't mind the state of my room, it's a disaster area. XDDD

Speaking of Oishi, though, he hasn't randomly restarted in well over 24 hours. Problem solved maybe? (Yeah, watch him restart now. <_<) *keeps fingers crossed*

5. I used to love baths. I'd fill up the tub with water as hot as I could stand it and some bath beads and just soak until the water got cold. It was just... really relaxing, like everything else went away while I was in there, you know? I'm not sure when I stopped feeling like that, but... yeah. I took a bath a little bit ago. It didn't feel so good, so I just ended up getting up after a little bit, drained the tub, and took a shower. I think maybe the reason is a few things- one, the tub is smaller where I live now. It's too short for ME and that's saying something. XD So it feels very claustrophobic. Also... as there was quite a bit of me out of the water, and I couldn't add any more, I was feeling a bit like a beached whale. <_< Kinda took all the fun out of it.

On the other hand, I'm clean and de-furred. Certain parts of my anatomy aren't very happy with this, but oh well. Said parts will live.

6. Sometimes... a woman just needs to be told that she's beautiful. Or some variation of that. Even if it's not the truth. I've never really considered myself an attention whore by any stretch of the imagination (...most days...), but it's still very nice to hear. And such a good ego boost. I kind of feel like it shouldn't be as much of one, because the physical doesn't really matter, but... in the end, I'm only human, you know? I mean, who doesn't like to hear that they're physically attractive, to someone? And I'm not talking about the backhanded compliments (as in the kind I usually get, if anything at all), like "Oh, well, at least you have a good personality," or "You'd be kind of pretty if you weren't fat," or whatever. I mean an honest to goodness compliment on the way your body looks. I never get that. It happened recently, though, and I can't  begin to tell you how good that feels. Damn! ^_^

Alright, it's now after 7am and I'm not even sure I'm making sense anymore, so I should probably shut up. ^_^;;;

Friends... Or Maybe Not

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006 11:34 am
verloren1983: (Yay)
1)I had the shock of my life when I came into work today- my boss John told me that they put in a raise for me! Considering I just had my yearly in November/December… so this would be my first ever merit raise (which CVS isn’t actually supposed to do, and John told me as much). He was like “I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do… I know you work really hard.” -- This will give me roughly $50-$60 extra a month, which I know doesn’t sound like a lot, but being as my rent just got upped by $100, that’s going to help considerably. This will make the difference between making it and drowning every month. Unfortunately, the only thing the raise is going to do for me this month is fill in a little of the hole I dug myself from overdrawing on my damn bank account yesterday… but it’s something.

However, I have a nasty feeling that there’s an ulterior motive for this… like with Walgreens coming up across the street in a few months, they’re sort of trying to bribe people into staying. Like, “Look, we can act human for all of five seconds, and in that five seconds we’ll give you a raise!” I don’t know, a raise isn’t a bad thing… it’s just… I have this gut feeling that there are strings attached to this sucker.
2) I just remembered that my friend Dave’s birthday was today. Whoops. Then again, considering that there hasn’t been so much as an e-mail between us in the last couple of years, calling him a friend might be a bit of a stretch. I guess… you never really get used to losing friends. We used to be close (though not as close as we probably could’ve been, thanks to me holding back and never completely trusting him with the stuff that really mattered, like I didn‘t tell him that my dad left until almost six months after the fact… though he held back with me too, the only thing I don’t know is whether he did that on his own or just because that’s what I was doing)… and we just… drifted apart. Somehow I allowed that to happen. No, actually, that’s not true. I’ll admit that my drifting apart from Lynn was half my fault for not stopping it when I had the chance, but I’m not taking credit for this one. I tried with Dave. I tried to keep in touch, sent e-mails and cards and whatnot, and I would get an e-mail that was two sentences long at most, and he NEVER took the initiative to write to me when it wasn’t in reply to something. He showed absolutely no interest in continuing a friendship with me, so eventually I just… stopped trying. Stopped putting myself out there, because really, what was the point? I just wish he could’ve had the balls to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean… okay, that would’ve really sucked and I would’ve probably hated him for it, but at least it would’ve been over. Done. No more of me wondering why he still talks to Stef but not me. No more of me wondering “Is he really that busy that he can’t spend five minutes and write a fair sized e-mail, or is he blowing me off?” You know? I just hate being strung along… and I hate this fucking feeling that I still have even now, this… loss. The feeling when you lose somebody (no matter the means- a fight, death, moving, etc.) like some part of you is missing because they took that piece with them. I guess maybe that’s the person you were when you were with them- the part of you that’s missing, I mean. They’re gone, so that part of your personality is gone too.

Okay, I’m rambling now and I probably make absolutely NO sense whatsoever, and I need to go do laundry and stuff. So I think I’ll shut up now.
verloren1983: (Cry)
work rant )

Kelly finished Kingdom Hearts... I’m so pissed. My almost non-gamer sister, who has previously only ever finished Harry Potter games (and that was about the hardest she’s ever played, to add insult to injury)(let me clarify that... I like the Harry Potter games, I do. But they’re far from challenging for a real gamer and pure entertainment as far as I’m concerned.), finished a game before I did. I guess to a certain extent I shouldn’t be mad. I haven’t worked on it in about a month, and I’ve been working on three or four other games in the meantime. It shouldn’t really piss me off... but it does.

I just realized something... I was listening to "Because of You" for about the billionth time, and when it got to the part of "Because of you I am afraid"... I kind of involuntarily thought "of getting hurt again", but then a voice in the back of my head piped up, "of being like you". I was thinking of my dad when I was listening to that part of the song, so... alright, I'm rambling. My point is that I realized that part of what's keeping me from getting in a relationship is that I'm afraid of becoming my father. I'm afraid of just getting up one day and walking out on my partner, no explanation, no regard for any children that may be involved, nothing. Of becoming this heartless bastard that doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything but (her)self. Of course, now that I've said that it sounds completely irrational. I mean... it's not like I wouldn't have a choice in the matter, you know? And just because I share some traits with him that doesn't mean that I have to end up like him, or do what he did. I'm not condemned to his fate just because I'm his child. At least that's what I keep telling myself. There's a part of me that remains to be convinced that there's not some emotional bomb somewhere in my brain waiting for the right time to explode, that I'm not dangerous to be in a relationship with because of that. The truth is, I am seriously fucked up in some seriously important ways when it comes to dealing with people... especially ones I care about. We all have emotional baggage, I know that, but... this just reaffirms my belief that I have to be extremely careful of who I allow into my world, of who I allow myself to care about... and that I should never, ever be in a relationship (even if there ever is a chance for that, which I seriously doubt).

Whaddya know...

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 04:06 am
verloren1983: (Hiding)
I got the Fall Out Boy tickets in the mail today. Wheee! (And there goes my completely irrational paranoia about not getting them in time).

The other day I was talking with this girl I work with, Desiree, about children, when I finally realized something for the first time: It doesn’t really matter that I don’t want kids, because I can’t have them. Ever. Well, no, I shouldn’t say that because TECHNICALLY, I could. Let me specify that in the statement that it will be a physical impossibility for me to conceive a child with my (future) partner. Sure, we could use a sperm donor or we could adopt- but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I knew all of this before, of course, but I guess the implications never really hit me until now- after all, I’ve never wanted to have children. It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve changed “I’m never having kids” to “I don’t want children, but there’s a slight chance that could change in the future”. Probably because it’s been in the last couple of years that the pangs started (otherwise known as a woman’s biological clock going “uh, yeah, you know you only have a limited amount of time to do this, right?”). I think most women know what I’m talking about to some degree or other (and most of them to a much higher level than mine), but let me explain it for the men. It’s when you see a particularly cute baby, or you’re holding a friend’s or relative’s baby and they’re playing with your fingers and giggling, just smiling, or something equally adorable- that even women who strongly dislike children will think “Well, maybe having a kid wouldn’t be so bad.” This is where a woman who likes kids would go “OH MY GOD I WANT ONE!” They generally don’t last long (about as long as it takes the thought to cross your mind), but they’re intense little fuckers. Not that I would admit to actually having these pangs to anyone I know, of course, but they’re there. And that, more than anything, is why this whole thing depresses me so much. When you think of having children, you think of you and your partner having a child. Together. That kid is the combination of the two of you. Just the thought of… having a kid but it’s not mine, or not hers, or not ours anyway because we adopted… it’s fucking depressing. This is nature’s ultimate joke, I guess: “Not only will you be a social pariah and be denied rights that 90% of the population gets just for being born, you will be unable to reproduce with your partner. Ha!” Because apparently nature thinks this is immensely funny, and we all know that Biology loves to fuck with our minds to begin with. I guess… you don’t realize that maybe some part of you DID want something, until you find out that you can never have it. As cliché as that is.

In the past week I’ve gone from being reluctantly interested in the Harry/Draco ship to being completely fucking obsessed with it, despite the fact that a large part of my brain is still fighting it. Figure that one out. Anyway, I put all the blame on pir8fancier for bringing the interest into an obsession. Too good of a writer, dammit.

I still feel like crap, which probably has a great deal to do with the fact that I haven’t really been eating. I always turn semi-anorexic during my period out of practicality- why eat when it’s going to make my stomach declare war over a sandwich? During this time I usually eat something small about once a day, and I’m usually sorry for it later, but hey… you’ve gotta eat. The good news is that I usually lose about five pounds during this whole ordeal- bad news is that I gain it back almost instantly once I actually start eating again. Bah. Well, it makes me feel a little better about my weight for a whole five minutes.

Funniest thing yesterday: Paul and I were looking through some of the old sample greeting cards/borders, and we came across the picture of Shawn (kid that worked there like two years ago, sixteen, cute, I'm not sure if he knew that he was gay yet but he definitely is)- Paul was like, "Who is THAT and why does he not work here anymore?" He he. I spent the next five minutes trying to convince him that Shawn was too young for him anyway... don't think it worked. Paul seems to have a thing for the just-barely-legals. Okay, well, it was funny at the time.
verloren1983: (Harry/Draco)

I should be doing laundry right now, as I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow (today, for the rest of the world)... but ah, fuck it. I'll make some sort of attempt at getting up at a halfway decent hour in the morning. ...Yeah, right. Oh, as if anybody but me cares, I decided to go ahead and get a paid account- only for two months, though, so that way if I don’t like it… I’ve only wasted five bucks, you know? Although I did waste a considerable amount of time today fucking around with my color scheme and whatnot, since every time I played with it I either didn't like the design or the colors hurt my eyes or SOMETHING. So finally we have something that all parts of my brain can agree on. Yay.

I think my brain is conspiring against me. Or maybe just Harry Potter slash writers. Why, oh why do all the good slash writers have to be Harry/Draco? (okay, not all, just most of them) I'm really starting to like the pairing despite myself, and I really, really hate that. On that note: I found some absoutely delicious H/D stuff written by one [livejournal.com profile] pir8fancier , so if you're into that or at least open to it, go check it out. Gorgeous. Particularly "Let's Just Pretend the War Is Over", which is sad and hysterical and just beautifully written.

I was just listening to “Somebody’s Watching Over Me” by Hilary Duff (shut up, it’s a good song) and had a horrific thought: If our loved ones who have passed are, in fact, keeping an eye on us… that’s a scary idea. I mean… what my grandmother must think of me! What she must think of my virtual standstill, being too afraid to do anything and doing absolutely nothing with my life. And the thing that really gets me about this is that my grandmother was and still is one of the few people that I’m terrified of disappointing. I’m almost in tears just thinking about this, because honestly, she must be SO disappointed in everything I’m doing and everything I’ve become. It’s funny that I’ve listened to the song how many times before, and that never even occurred to me until just now. I need to go… do something. Anything.

(It's completely horrible that I just started three paragraphs in a row with the word "I", and it's completely against The Writer's Guide To Good Writing and All That Shit, but I'm too lazy to fix it. So there.)


Sunday, January 29th, 2006 02:26 am
verloren1983: (Secret)
“We tend not to change- or get out of life’s potholes- until we hurt intensely enough.”

I know perfectly well that the things I hate most about myself are things that are changeable. Well, the three main ones, anyway. Yet… I choose not to do anything about them. Why is that? Apparently being reminded of these things every single day of my miserable life isn’t enough to prod me into taking action, so what IS going to? Why do we, as humans, procrastinate until the very last second to do things that we need to do for our own well being? Honestly… is that rut we’ve dug up for ourselves really that comfortable? I guess so. I guess some of us are just so terrified of change- even change that’s good for us- that we dig our nails into the dirt around us, unwilling to let go just at the mere mention of moving somewhere else. Some of us have a comfy little cot set up in that rut and are wary of leaving this set-up that could leave us considerably worse off. Some of us… are simply too lazy to do anything else. The big question is: which is it for you, and what’s going to make you get up off your ass and do something about your life?

My answer for this, personally, is that I don’t have a fucking clue. As far as reasons- the first two are definitely me. Fear of change and an unwillingness to leave a place I’m used to (not necessarily comfortable in, but used to) in exchange for the very scary unknown. Yep. That’s me in a nutshell. But I don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s going to force me off my fat ass, so to speak. Alright, so going back to the three most hated things about myself and how I can/need to change them.
1. My weight. First and foremost. I try to act like this doesn’t bother me, but it does. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself anymore. The solution to this is… rather obvious. Eat better (I don’t really eat that much, so the amount isn’t an issue for me. But 99% of what I do eat is processed meat, cheese, white bread, and so on.) and exercise. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to put in the effort to do either of these things for very long. About twice a year I’ll get into a “let’s get healthy” kick, and it’ll last all of two or three days before I decide it’s too much of a pain in the ass and give up on it. But hell, if my mom can lose all the weight she has, I definitely can. If I can motivate myself to do it.
2. School/CVS/Living at home. These are tied together in my mind, because my brain makes the connection that going to college equals leaving CVS, and going to college also means that I will no longer be living with my mother. A win-win situation all around. It’s not so much the leaving CVS part I’m having issues with, or the leaving my Mom’s house thing, it’s the school part. Not that I don’t like school. I’m just terrified beyond terrified of failing. The twisted thing about me is, I’d rather not go at all than to go there and fail. I’d rather die than fail, actually. Failing would prove my worst fears about myself to be true, and that’s just… so frightening I can’t even tell you.
3. My tooth. This is merely cosmetic- I’ve had a chip in one of my front tooth since I was 14. My parents never had the money to get it fixed. It makes me look like a redneck hick and I completely hate it, and even though I actually have insurance now (alas, it’s sucky insurance, but it’s there), I still haven’t gathered up the balls to go get it fixed. The point is- as much as I hate the way my stupid tooth looks, I hate the dentist more. Besides… I need a lot of dental work done. I don’t need them to tell me that because that’s just common sense. I went through a considerable period of time when I was extremely depressed and honestly didn’t give a damn about anything… including, I’m sorry to say, hygiene. Dental hygiene in particular, considering you can only go so long without taking a shower before you start becoming a distraction in classes. To this day, I’m still struggling to get back into the whole “brush your teeth twice a day” thing. I find it highly unlikely that a dentist wouldn’t realize this and comment on it, and I really, really hate being criticized for shit that I know I did and already feel bad enough about, thank-you-very-much. Like when I went in for my senior year physical, and my asshole of a doctor gave me a ten minute lecture about my weight. It’s like… yeah, thanks. I totally didn’t know that I’m about 70 pounds overweight. I never noticed, because it’s not like I get reminded of it every single fucking day in some shape or form. Anyway, that’s just not something I’m looking forward to with the dentist. In addition to my considerable FEAR OF PAIN.

There are other things, of course, but less important in my mind. Not to mention some of them (like a breast reduction) require a WHOLE bunch of money that I don’t have. Will probably never have. Ironically, the three things I hate the most are also the three easiest to change. Go figure. But again, I guess they just haven't stung me enough to motivate me to do something about them. When the hell did I get so lazy....


Saturday, January 28th, 2006 02:22 am
verloren1983: (Cry)
Do you have any idea how unnerving it is to wander into someone's online journal, only to realize that it's actually someone you KNEW when you were growing up? *shudder* I'm half tempted to go over and say hi, but then again... maybe not. The less people I subject to my incessant ramblings, the better. Besides- it's like "Yeah, I'm 22 and I work in a dead end retail job and I still live with my mother." That's real impressive. Granted, I'm only living with my mother BECAUSE I have a dead end retail job that pays shit and therefore can't afford my own place, and I do pay a fair portion of the bills, but still. That's just going to bring the thought to mind "Well... that's... pretty pathetic." Ugh. I don't even know why I give a damn about what anybody else thinks, but I do. I don't think anybody is even aware of how much it kills me to admit that.

You know... I never REALLY realized how much of a coward I am until yesterday. Well, I mean, I knew, but I hadn't thought it was quite as bad as it really is. Kelly mentioned yesterday that she's thinking about getting a Myspace account and I completely freaking FLIPPED OUT. Not at her (of course), but as soon as she left the room I did a complete edit of my profile/journal on that site, making sure to delete anything that referred to my sexuality in any shape or form. Hence... my return to Livejournal after almost a year of yet again forgetting I even had the stupid thing. I need to journal, because I'm like that, but I need a SAFE place to journal where my nosy little sister can't find it. OpenDiary is pain in the ass (not to mention they got hackers a while back and lost several months worth of people's journaling... so let's just say I don't trust that site too much anymore), so Live Journal it is. Of course, I have the attention span of a two year old, so... we'll see how long that lasts. Overall... I'm so incredibly ashamed of myself for selling out like that. And it leaves me wondering- what am I so afraid of? It's not like Kelly would be surprised if I came out to her. I mean, the kid has asked me on several occasions if I was gay. Her homophobe idiot boyfriend has strongly suspected for a long time, and he's the one that originally brought my kind of obvious gayness to Kelly's attention *coughITTAKESONETOKNOWONEcough*. Mom suspects I think. No, I know she does. And I really don't see my extended family too much, so even though it would kind of hurt if they rejected me, it would be okay. The only person I'm really sorta worried about is Rodney, my cousin Mary's husband. I'm not sure how he'd react. Especially considering that he has two little girls (nine and five), and some people have the very wrong idea that gay people molest children. (Okay, I'm sure some of them do, just like some straight people do it, but that's a very small minority and I would never ever touch a child. Period.) Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. My point is, I'm not really sure why I'm okay telling everybody BUT Kelly and my mom. While I'm figuring that out, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with being a paranoid nitwit.

I got my hair cut on Saturday and I completely hate it. It's entirely too short- but then again, my hair grows fast so in a couple of weeks it'll be fine. It's all good.

In other news, I found my bank card... underneath a bag of clothes in my room that I haven't moved in over a month. ?? No idea how that happened. Oh, and I finally got my W-2's in the mail... all I need now is the bank statement on my interest for the year and I'm all set to do my taxes. I should get a nice juicy check this year... ~hello~ x-box, new clothes, and a mattress that doesn't try to pierce me to death!

Alright, I'm just going to go away now. Until next time!


verloren1983: (Default)

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