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“We tend not to change- or get out of life’s potholes- until we hurt intensely enough.”
I know perfectly well that the things I hate most about myself are things that are changeable. Well, the three main ones, anyway. Yet… I choose not to do anything about them. Why is that? Apparently being reminded of these things every single day of my miserable life isn’t enough to prod me into taking action, so what IS going to? Why do we, as humans, procrastinate until the very last second to do things that we need to do for our own well being? Honestly… is that rut we’ve dug up for ourselves really that comfortable? I guess so. I guess some of us are just so terrified of change- even change that’s good for us- that we dig our nails into the dirt around us, unwilling to let go just at the mere mention of moving somewhere else. Some of us have a comfy little cot set up in that rut and are wary of leaving this set-up that could leave us considerably worse off. Some of us… are simply too lazy to do anything else. The big question is: which is it for you, and what’s going to make you get up off your ass and do something about your life?
My answer for this, personally, is that I don’t have a fucking clue. As far as reasons- the first two are definitely me. Fear of change and an unwillingness to leave a place I’m used to (not necessarily comfortable in, but used to) in exchange for the very scary unknown. Yep. That’s me in a nutshell. But I don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s going to force me off my fat ass, so to speak. Alright, so going back to the three most hated things about myself and how I can/need to change them.
1. My weight. First and foremost. I try to act like this doesn’t bother me, but it does. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself anymore. The solution to this is… rather obvious. Eat better (I don’t really eat that much, so the amount isn’t an issue for me. But 99% of what I do eat is processed meat, cheese, white bread, and so on.) and exercise. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to put in the effort to do either of these things for very long. About twice a year I’ll get into a “let’s get healthy” kick, and it’ll last all of two or three days before I decide it’s too much of a pain in the ass and give up on it. But hell, if my mom can lose all the weight she has, I definitely can. If I can motivate myself to do it.
2. School/CVS/Living at home. These are tied together in my mind, because my brain makes the connection that going to college equals leaving CVS, and going to college also means that I will no longer be living with my mother. A win-win situation all around. It’s not so much the leaving CVS part I’m having issues with, or the leaving my Mom’s house thing, it’s the school part. Not that I don’t like school. I’m just terrified beyond terrified of failing. The twisted thing about me is, I’d rather not go at all than to go there and fail. I’d rather die than fail, actually. Failing would prove my worst fears about myself to be true, and that’s just… so frightening I can’t even tell you.
3. My tooth. This is merely cosmetic- I’ve had a chip in one of my front tooth since I was 14. My parents never had the money to get it fixed. It makes me look like a redneck hick and I completely hate it, and even though I actually have insurance now (alas, it’s sucky insurance, but it’s there), I still haven’t gathered up the balls to go get it fixed. The point is- as much as I hate the way my stupid tooth looks, I hate the dentist more. Besides… I need a lot of dental work done. I don’t need them to tell me that because that’s just common sense. I went through a considerable period of time when I was extremely depressed and honestly didn’t give a damn about anything… including, I’m sorry to say, hygiene. Dental hygiene in particular, considering you can only go so long without taking a shower before you start becoming a distraction in classes. To this day, I’m still struggling to get back into the whole “brush your teeth twice a day” thing. I find it highly unlikely that a dentist wouldn’t realize this and comment on it, and I really, really hate being criticized for shit that I know I did and already feel bad enough about, thank-you-very-much. Like when I went in for my senior year physical, and my asshole of a doctor gave me a ten minute lecture about my weight. It’s like… yeah, thanks. I totally didn’t know that I’m about 70 pounds overweight. I never noticed, because it’s not like I get reminded of it every single fucking day in some shape or form. Anyway, that’s just not something I’m looking forward to with the dentist. In addition to my considerable FEAR OF PAIN.
There are other things, of course, but less important in my mind. Not to mention some of them (like a breast reduction) require a WHOLE bunch of money that I don’t have. Will probably never have. Ironically, the three things I hate the most are also the three easiest to change. Go figure. But again, I guess they just haven't stung me enough to motivate me to do something about them. When the hell did I get so lazy....
I know perfectly well that the things I hate most about myself are things that are changeable. Well, the three main ones, anyway. Yet… I choose not to do anything about them. Why is that? Apparently being reminded of these things every single day of my miserable life isn’t enough to prod me into taking action, so what IS going to? Why do we, as humans, procrastinate until the very last second to do things that we need to do for our own well being? Honestly… is that rut we’ve dug up for ourselves really that comfortable? I guess so. I guess some of us are just so terrified of change- even change that’s good for us- that we dig our nails into the dirt around us, unwilling to let go just at the mere mention of moving somewhere else. Some of us have a comfy little cot set up in that rut and are wary of leaving this set-up that could leave us considerably worse off. Some of us… are simply too lazy to do anything else. The big question is: which is it for you, and what’s going to make you get up off your ass and do something about your life?
My answer for this, personally, is that I don’t have a fucking clue. As far as reasons- the first two are definitely me. Fear of change and an unwillingness to leave a place I’m used to (not necessarily comfortable in, but used to) in exchange for the very scary unknown. Yep. That’s me in a nutshell. But I don’t have the slightest inkling of what’s going to force me off my fat ass, so to speak. Alright, so going back to the three most hated things about myself and how I can/need to change them.
1. My weight. First and foremost. I try to act like this doesn’t bother me, but it does. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself anymore. The solution to this is… rather obvious. Eat better (I don’t really eat that much, so the amount isn’t an issue for me. But 99% of what I do eat is processed meat, cheese, white bread, and so on.) and exercise. Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to put in the effort to do either of these things for very long. About twice a year I’ll get into a “let’s get healthy” kick, and it’ll last all of two or three days before I decide it’s too much of a pain in the ass and give up on it. But hell, if my mom can lose all the weight she has, I definitely can. If I can motivate myself to do it.
2. School/CVS/Living at home. These are tied together in my mind, because my brain makes the connection that going to college equals leaving CVS, and going to college also means that I will no longer be living with my mother. A win-win situation all around. It’s not so much the leaving CVS part I’m having issues with, or the leaving my Mom’s house thing, it’s the school part. Not that I don’t like school. I’m just terrified beyond terrified of failing. The twisted thing about me is, I’d rather not go at all than to go there and fail. I’d rather die than fail, actually. Failing would prove my worst fears about myself to be true, and that’s just… so frightening I can’t even tell you.
3. My tooth. This is merely cosmetic- I’ve had a chip in one of my front tooth since I was 14. My parents never had the money to get it fixed. It makes me look like a redneck hick and I completely hate it, and even though I actually have insurance now (alas, it’s sucky insurance, but it’s there), I still haven’t gathered up the balls to go get it fixed. The point is- as much as I hate the way my stupid tooth looks, I hate the dentist more. Besides… I need a lot of dental work done. I don’t need them to tell me that because that’s just common sense. I went through a considerable period of time when I was extremely depressed and honestly didn’t give a damn about anything… including, I’m sorry to say, hygiene. Dental hygiene in particular, considering you can only go so long without taking a shower before you start becoming a distraction in classes. To this day, I’m still struggling to get back into the whole “brush your teeth twice a day” thing. I find it highly unlikely that a dentist wouldn’t realize this and comment on it, and I really, really hate being criticized for shit that I know I did and already feel bad enough about, thank-you-very-much. Like when I went in for my senior year physical, and my asshole of a doctor gave me a ten minute lecture about my weight. It’s like… yeah, thanks. I totally didn’t know that I’m about 70 pounds overweight. I never noticed, because it’s not like I get reminded of it every single fucking day in some shape or form. Anyway, that’s just not something I’m looking forward to with the dentist. In addition to my considerable FEAR OF PAIN.
There are other things, of course, but less important in my mind. Not to mention some of them (like a breast reduction) require a WHOLE bunch of money that I don’t have. Will probably never have. Ironically, the three things I hate the most are also the three easiest to change. Go figure. But again, I guess they just haven't stung me enough to motivate me to do something about them. When the hell did I get so lazy....
