Sometimes... I'm really just not that intelligent

Sonofabitch. I really need to start balancing my checkbook… I’ve never had a problem with it before, so I was never all that worried about it. Well… I apparently miscalculated the amount of money in my account by about $20. Which normally wouldn’t have been a big deal except money’s been REALLY tight lately and I spent some 53 odd cents more than what I actually had. Whoops. So of course there’s a fee tacked on to that, so I’m about 35 bucks in the hole at the present time. Because I suck. Then again, this is the first time that I’ve overdrawn ever… and we’re all allowed to fuck up once. This should be my wake up call- pay more attention to the money you’re spending, jackass!

Oh, yeah, and I have to renew my LJ subscription by the 8th. And the underwire snapped in one of my (two) decent bras the other day (decent, of course, meaning that they’re not so run down that they have zero support), which is just fucking wonderful. And my shoe situation gets more desperate by the day, as my work shoes are quite literally falling apart. The sole is about halfway separated from the rest of the shoe now. In other words, more money I have to spend… joy oh joy. I’d feel a little bit better about this if I had my income tax money coming soon, but as I have yet to find a place that even has the necessary forms so I can even DO them… ugh.

On the upside, when I was out spending money I didn’t have I got Brokeback Mountain on DVD, which I didn’t even know was coming out, and the Chronicles of Narnia (love that movie). So I finally got to see Brokeback… it wasn’t life changing like I’d heard it was, but it WAS really good. Thoroughly depressing. Oh, and I finally got around to picking up The DaVinci Code, because I keep hearing it’s amazing and I’ve been meaning to read it for the longest time. Yay.

I almost kinda hope that Paul isn’t working today, because I’m still pissed off at him for calling in on Sunday (when I know that chances are really good that the only reason he called in was because he was fucking hung over) and putting me in a level of hell somewhere near the Earth’s core. Yeah, it was that bad. Let’s just say I closed up shop early and was out of there by quarter after eight because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was seriously going to hurt someone… badly.

Friends... Or Maybe Not

1)I had the shock of my life when I came into work today- my boss John told me that they put in a raise for me! Considering I just had my yearly in November/December… so this would be my first ever merit raise (which CVS isn’t actually supposed to do, and John told me as much). He was like “I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do… I know you work really hard.” -- This will give me roughly $50-$60 extra a month, which I know doesn’t sound like a lot, but being as my rent just got upped by $100, that’s going to help considerably. This will make the difference between making it and drowning every month. Unfortunately, the only thing the raise is going to do for me this month is fill in a little of the hole I dug myself from overdrawing on my damn bank account yesterday… but it’s something.

However, I have a nasty feeling that there’s an ulterior motive for this… like with Walgreens coming up across the street in a few months, they’re sort of trying to bribe people into staying. Like, “Look, we can act human for all of five seconds, and in that five seconds we’ll give you a raise!” I don’t know, a raise isn’t a bad thing… it’s just… I have this gut feeling that there are strings attached to this sucker.
2) I just remembered that my friend Dave’s birthday was today. Whoops. Then again, considering that there hasn’t been so much as an e-mail between us in the last couple of years, calling him a friend might be a bit of a stretch. I guess… you never really get used to losing friends. We used to be close (though not as close as we probably could’ve been, thanks to me holding back and never completely trusting him with the stuff that really mattered, like I didn‘t tell him that my dad left until almost six months after the fact… though he held back with me too, the only thing I don’t know is whether he did that on his own or just because that’s what I was doing)… and we just… drifted apart. Somehow I allowed that to happen. No, actually, that’s not true. I’ll admit that my drifting apart from Lynn was half my fault for not stopping it when I had the chance, but I’m not taking credit for this one. I tried with Dave. I tried to keep in touch, sent e-mails and cards and whatnot, and I would get an e-mail that was two sentences long at most, and he NEVER took the initiative to write to me when it wasn’t in reply to something. He showed absolutely no interest in continuing a friendship with me, so eventually I just… stopped trying. Stopped putting myself out there, because really, what was the point? I just wish he could’ve had the balls to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I mean… okay, that would’ve really sucked and I would’ve probably hated him for it, but at least it would’ve been over. Done. No more of me wondering why he still talks to Stef but not me. No more of me wondering “Is he really that busy that he can’t spend five minutes and write a fair sized e-mail, or is he blowing me off?” You know? I just hate being strung along… and I hate this fucking feeling that I still have even now, this… loss. The feeling when you lose somebody (no matter the means- a fight, death, moving, etc.) like some part of you is missing because they took that piece with them. I guess maybe that’s the person you were when you were with them- the part of you that’s missing, I mean. They’re gone, so that part of your personality is gone too.

Okay, I’m rambling now and I probably make absolutely NO sense whatsoever, and I need to go do laundry and stuff. So I think I’ll shut up now.